I haven't updated in forever it seems. It's not like a lot has been going on. I work.. Chris works we spend time together that's about that.....
My mind has been on overdrive the last few weeks.I think the holidays are really screwing with me. I thought I would be okay, like nothing would bother me and I'd be soo happy. And I was... But recently before Thanksgiving it hit me that my Grandfather has been gone for 6 years and I couldn't even be there like I had been every year.. That was my comfort as weird as it sounds. Topher would bring me there and I'd sit on the ground and talk to him. It was comforting. I couldn't be there this year, and that's rough for me.
Besides that Thanksgiving dinner was good. Just rough... His sister and mom fought all Morning... and when Dinner was ready everyone ate and left the table and that to me is very odd and rude.. so here I was sitting at the table alone and realized how much (despite everything they have done..) That I miss my family. I haven't seen anyone in about a year now. And I haven't celebrated a holiday in almost three....
With Christmas coming up I wonder how my emotions from hell are going to fair.. and I wonder if I'm driving Chris insane yet. Sometimes I wonder if I make him happy or is he just frustrated with me. This is silly I am sure....
I've been trying to save some money for Christmas, but the reality of it is, I probably wont be able to save much... I still have to get new glasses. Get my birth Certificate and my license. And with my luck my job will be ending soon and I'll be on the hunt for a new once.. Which scares me. I don't want to feel useless. I don't want him angry at me either....
I don't even know what to get him for Christmas.... Which makes it awful. Arg I hate the holidays! *stabstab* I wish I knew him better I guess, or had some sort of idea.. Maybe make him make a Christmas list. :D I want a nice photo of us. Never had one.. It would be nice. *nods* It would be a good thought I guess to send the family one. But we are running out of time. The 25th is coming far to quickly.
Then my Birthday soon after. 23 and still have accomplished a lot of nothing... *sighs*
Why do I feel so blah.. I'm happy, but blah. This makes no sense.. ARG!
Innocence....
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Lonliness...
Never in my life would I imagine being with someone and feeling so horribly lonely. It's not that we are having issues this is far from it. And I've never felt so dependent on someone either...
Our schedule consists of this basically.
Monday: Chris works 8am-8pm
Tuesday: I work 7/8am-12/1pm Chris works 5pm-8pm then 11pm-7am
Wednesday: repeat
Thursday: I'm off. Chris works the Same.
Friday: I work 7/8am-12/1pm Chris is off.
Saturday and Sunday: We are both off. Catching up with sleep. Hanging with Jason. Table top RPG
So essentially. I get a few hours a day with him. Other wise he is sleeping or I am sleeping. *sighs*
I hate feeling so needy/clingy. I feel horribly about it like I might annoy him. But sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. Like I can't breath when he's not around. Then when he's sleeping I feel awful cause he works two jobs and I can't take that from him. He's a good man. I just wish there were more hours in the day or something to keep me preoccupied. *sighs*
Other then that, everything is amazing. Work is good. Chris is amazing. I loves him. More then I thought possible. I'm happy. :D Rawrs
Now just to have more time....
I really wish my emotions would get under control. Gah!
Our schedule consists of this basically.
Monday: Chris works 8am-8pm
Tuesday: I work 7/8am-12/1pm Chris works 5pm-8pm then 11pm-7am
Wednesday: repeat
Thursday: I'm off. Chris works the Same.
Friday: I work 7/8am-12/1pm Chris is off.
Saturday and Sunday: We are both off. Catching up with sleep. Hanging with Jason. Table top RPG
So essentially. I get a few hours a day with him. Other wise he is sleeping or I am sleeping. *sighs*
I hate feeling so needy/clingy. I feel horribly about it like I might annoy him. But sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. Like I can't breath when he's not around. Then when he's sleeping I feel awful cause he works two jobs and I can't take that from him. He's a good man. I just wish there were more hours in the day or something to keep me preoccupied. *sighs*
Other then that, everything is amazing. Work is good. Chris is amazing. I loves him. More then I thought possible. I'm happy. :D Rawrs
Now just to have more time....
I really wish my emotions would get under control. Gah!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Marriage.
It seems to frequent the mind more. Slowly the idea becomes a more Relevant picture. Like a huge desire in a girl that never thought she'd desire something so.. intimate.. A bond so strong.. amazing. Perfect.....
Up until recently, the idea of marriage literally freaked me out and the idea of it made me want to run an hide. In the past I had joked about it, or made some snide comments, anything to not show how uncomfortable with it I really was. And Ideally, one must wonder, why? Every girls dream is to be married and have a family. While granted I'm sure this is true in most cases. But the idea literally frightens the shit out of me.
Growing up the relationships I had been exposed to were far from healthy or normal. For example. My eldest sister was always in a relationship. One would end and the other would start not more then 3mins from the last. She was engaged in everyone of them, that's right from the time she was 15 on there was a ring on her finger. Not once can I remember there not being one longer then a month or so. So in my mind, It was well, I'm supposed to never be alone. So I always had someone. Now oddly enough in my relationships the idea of marriage was far from me. The first serious idea I had was with Joshua, we had gotten promise rings for our sixth month anniversary and I was content with this. Two years later he asked me to Marry him. I said no. As I stared at the ring, I shaked. I made the excuse that we were to far apart and I would except once we could be closer together. But reality is, I never had the intention of marrying him. I mean he asked my mother if it was okay and all, sweet yes but still. I was scared. So here sat this gorgeous ring, resized to fit and it was in a box, because I refused to wear it. The idea almost sickened me.... Now one is wondering well wth?
Well My parents relationship is rather fucked as well, you see. They have been married about 28 years no this coming November, except, well. They have technically been "married" Maybe 15 of those years. That's a long "other" time. For as long as I can remember they have screamed at each other, broken furniture, made threats of divorce, and finally got separated. For a year we lived away from my father, we would visit on the weekends and mom had a new "friend". So Now my ideals are seriously fucked. My Parents are together, yet mom has a Boyfriend.. I mean "friend" and we are supposed to be okay. So then the discussion of divorce comes up. Is it better for you guys? Well We made the decision that we'd rather them be apart then together if they were as miserable as they obviously where. So where does this go? mom Breaks up with her "friend". We move back in with dad and as her excuse is, he was about to lose the house. Dad Moves into the den to sleep, and stays there till my older sister finally moves out, then him and my brother share a room. Great, so now my friends sleep over and the question is.. Why the hell is your dad sleeping in a different room then your mom. You know what? I still don't fucking know! So now older, I realize well they make better friends then they do husband and wife.. and to turn more shit around, they start celebrating anniversaries, and going on cruises together, and he stills sleeps in my brothers room WTF!
So now we come to my grandmother.. oh boy! So my Papa is ill, now, he was a good man, granted a little rough around the edges, but he was a good man nonetheless. He showed he loved us and her in a very different way, but we knew. So as he's ill she brings up this conversation of Divorce, yep that word again. She wants to divorce him while he is basically on his death bed... Seriously? So I'm 15 staring at her like what am I supposed to say... thought love and marriage was a lifetime, through the good and bad, and now within a year apart both mom and G'ma bring up this word. So Does love and marriage last a life time? I'm starting to not know. So convinced we make her its a bad idea, and shes convinced hes a bad man. When he dies, not more then a month later she's on the net looking for a boyfriend. I'm annoyed. She goes on a few dates, but doesn't exactly start seeing this guy till I'm about 17 so a year later after his death. So at first I don't understand. Now two years forward, she wants to Marry this man. OMG! WTF! Now my world is flipped and I can't understand so I tell her do what makes her happy. They break up. 19 year old me comforts my grandmother. Awkward! She finds the "new" Guy. And now doesn't want to be married. Krissy gets married. Surprise.
Now, to be fair, recently I had the privilege to see my Grandparents on dads side have their 50th anniversary. And all I can think about is oh my god. I want to be them. But ultimately, my sense of relationships is a little fucked up.
Sooo after all this. I was with we will call him douchenugget. :D I was with him almost three years and the thought crossed my mind and left rather quickly, infact the desire was not there. And when he had asked I wanted to puke. So instead of flattery or whatever I was mad. Seriously mad. I told him to stop being a child and throwing things around..... gah!
Now my friends have been married, some are getting divorced. And I just don't know if marriage has a hope in this lifetime anymore. And that scares me, when I say I do, it's the first and only time I want to say it. I don't want to get a divorce.
Now don't get me wrong, despite my distaste for marriage and the ideals of it. I have my dream wedding. Yea, that's right. I do.
I have had dreams of it, pictured it so vividly in my mind. Now I know it will never happen. The way I picture it, but I have it...
I want a fall wedding, maybe October-November. I want it to be outside, around dusk. Like the sun setting, lights dancing through the colored leaves on the trees illuminating figures.. I want a gazebo, with lights dancing around it. Us at the foot of it. As the lights fade from the world, it will be lit with Japanese style paper lanterns. Maybe near a lake. Possibly some Lanterns drifting along. The stars above use watching, dancing. I want to share our own vows. I want to stare into their eyes and let them see me speak those words before everyone, to know how true, how in love I am. And I wish and pray for the same in return. I want a long flowing dress, it would be long sleeve, lace, but off the shoulders. My hair would be down, flowers in it. Perfect. The reception would be laughter, maybe even a warm fire. Stories being told. Laughter.
I want my entire family there. I was his Family there. I want our friends there. I want my brides maids/ maid of honor to be my best friends. I want a million photos. I want the best memories of my life. I want to remember every moment and detail. I want it to be perfect.
But I know as much as anyone else, the world is not a fairy tale, and reality is, this would probably never happen, and I'll have to settle for a church or backyard. Half my family couldn't be bothered and so many things I'm sure would go wrong. But a girl can dream.
Now with my fear, I do desire it more then anything. And in recent times Chris and I have talked and at first I was terrified of the idea, and I wanted to kind of escape it. But as I think about it more and more, There's nothing in the world I want more right now. Not saying to jump the gun and get married within the next year, but honestly, I think being with him, could prove to the world that marriage still has the meaning it was meant to have, it's not just a piece of paper, but a lifelong meaning of honesty, trust, devotion and love. So my trivial fears fade away slowly, and I smile as I think. I find myself glancing at rings and this and that's. The smile only getting bigger. Maybe it just takes the right person, to chase the fear out.. Who knows?
<3
Up until recently, the idea of marriage literally freaked me out and the idea of it made me want to run an hide. In the past I had joked about it, or made some snide comments, anything to not show how uncomfortable with it I really was. And Ideally, one must wonder, why? Every girls dream is to be married and have a family. While granted I'm sure this is true in most cases. But the idea literally frightens the shit out of me.
Growing up the relationships I had been exposed to were far from healthy or normal. For example. My eldest sister was always in a relationship. One would end and the other would start not more then 3mins from the last. She was engaged in everyone of them, that's right from the time she was 15 on there was a ring on her finger. Not once can I remember there not being one longer then a month or so. So in my mind, It was well, I'm supposed to never be alone. So I always had someone. Now oddly enough in my relationships the idea of marriage was far from me. The first serious idea I had was with Joshua, we had gotten promise rings for our sixth month anniversary and I was content with this. Two years later he asked me to Marry him. I said no. As I stared at the ring, I shaked. I made the excuse that we were to far apart and I would except once we could be closer together. But reality is, I never had the intention of marrying him. I mean he asked my mother if it was okay and all, sweet yes but still. I was scared. So here sat this gorgeous ring, resized to fit and it was in a box, because I refused to wear it. The idea almost sickened me.... Now one is wondering well wth?
Well My parents relationship is rather fucked as well, you see. They have been married about 28 years no this coming November, except, well. They have technically been "married" Maybe 15 of those years. That's a long "other" time. For as long as I can remember they have screamed at each other, broken furniture, made threats of divorce, and finally got separated. For a year we lived away from my father, we would visit on the weekends and mom had a new "friend". So Now my ideals are seriously fucked. My Parents are together, yet mom has a Boyfriend.. I mean "friend" and we are supposed to be okay. So then the discussion of divorce comes up. Is it better for you guys? Well We made the decision that we'd rather them be apart then together if they were as miserable as they obviously where. So where does this go? mom Breaks up with her "friend". We move back in with dad and as her excuse is, he was about to lose the house. Dad Moves into the den to sleep, and stays there till my older sister finally moves out, then him and my brother share a room. Great, so now my friends sleep over and the question is.. Why the hell is your dad sleeping in a different room then your mom. You know what? I still don't fucking know! So now older, I realize well they make better friends then they do husband and wife.. and to turn more shit around, they start celebrating anniversaries, and going on cruises together, and he stills sleeps in my brothers room WTF!
So now we come to my grandmother.. oh boy! So my Papa is ill, now, he was a good man, granted a little rough around the edges, but he was a good man nonetheless. He showed he loved us and her in a very different way, but we knew. So as he's ill she brings up this conversation of Divorce, yep that word again. She wants to divorce him while he is basically on his death bed... Seriously? So I'm 15 staring at her like what am I supposed to say... thought love and marriage was a lifetime, through the good and bad, and now within a year apart both mom and G'ma bring up this word. So Does love and marriage last a life time? I'm starting to not know. So convinced we make her its a bad idea, and shes convinced hes a bad man. When he dies, not more then a month later she's on the net looking for a boyfriend. I'm annoyed. She goes on a few dates, but doesn't exactly start seeing this guy till I'm about 17 so a year later after his death. So at first I don't understand. Now two years forward, she wants to Marry this man. OMG! WTF! Now my world is flipped and I can't understand so I tell her do what makes her happy. They break up. 19 year old me comforts my grandmother. Awkward! She finds the "new" Guy. And now doesn't want to be married. Krissy gets married. Surprise.
Now, to be fair, recently I had the privilege to see my Grandparents on dads side have their 50th anniversary. And all I can think about is oh my god. I want to be them. But ultimately, my sense of relationships is a little fucked up.
Sooo after all this. I was with we will call him douchenugget. :D I was with him almost three years and the thought crossed my mind and left rather quickly, infact the desire was not there. And when he had asked I wanted to puke. So instead of flattery or whatever I was mad. Seriously mad. I told him to stop being a child and throwing things around..... gah!
Now my friends have been married, some are getting divorced. And I just don't know if marriage has a hope in this lifetime anymore. And that scares me, when I say I do, it's the first and only time I want to say it. I don't want to get a divorce.
Now don't get me wrong, despite my distaste for marriage and the ideals of it. I have my dream wedding. Yea, that's right. I do.
I have had dreams of it, pictured it so vividly in my mind. Now I know it will never happen. The way I picture it, but I have it...
I want a fall wedding, maybe October-November. I want it to be outside, around dusk. Like the sun setting, lights dancing through the colored leaves on the trees illuminating figures.. I want a gazebo, with lights dancing around it. Us at the foot of it. As the lights fade from the world, it will be lit with Japanese style paper lanterns. Maybe near a lake. Possibly some Lanterns drifting along. The stars above use watching, dancing. I want to share our own vows. I want to stare into their eyes and let them see me speak those words before everyone, to know how true, how in love I am. And I wish and pray for the same in return. I want a long flowing dress, it would be long sleeve, lace, but off the shoulders. My hair would be down, flowers in it. Perfect. The reception would be laughter, maybe even a warm fire. Stories being told. Laughter.
I want my entire family there. I was his Family there. I want our friends there. I want my brides maids/ maid of honor to be my best friends. I want a million photos. I want the best memories of my life. I want to remember every moment and detail. I want it to be perfect.
But I know as much as anyone else, the world is not a fairy tale, and reality is, this would probably never happen, and I'll have to settle for a church or backyard. Half my family couldn't be bothered and so many things I'm sure would go wrong. But a girl can dream.
Now with my fear, I do desire it more then anything. And in recent times Chris and I have talked and at first I was terrified of the idea, and I wanted to kind of escape it. But as I think about it more and more, There's nothing in the world I want more right now. Not saying to jump the gun and get married within the next year, but honestly, I think being with him, could prove to the world that marriage still has the meaning it was meant to have, it's not just a piece of paper, but a lifelong meaning of honesty, trust, devotion and love. So my trivial fears fade away slowly, and I smile as I think. I find myself glancing at rings and this and that's. The smile only getting bigger. Maybe it just takes the right person, to chase the fear out.. Who knows?
<3
Days pass, slowly, quickly. Time stops, speeds up. So much has happened, memories, nightmares. Desires.
I really should be more loyal to my blog. Except I seem to fill all my time with him. :D That's to be expected though I'm sure. I guess we can start with a few days ago..
We decided to go see Jason play, and we probably shouldn't Chris had just worked 12 hours and was tired, but we went to the bar, and I was so happy and excited. I've been more social lately, and I really like that, I like that I'm not this shy awkward girl. I'm more confident and okay with myself. So seeing Jason play was awesome. It was so nice to be back into the music thing. I really enjoy it and I only hope I can get more into it.. One day. We went to eat after Jason could finally leave and my ears were bleeding from horrid music. Kudos for getting on stage but omg. xD
So once we finished eating Chris and I went on the trip to home. Talking all the while. I guess Chris feel asleep for a split second, cause we were coming up a hill and the car wasn't turning with the curve, instead it was going straight for the rail. I remember saying "baby" a million times, I even hit him. Nothing. He says I screamed which is what woke him up, this I don't remember, honestly it's all a blur, it happened so fast. I just Remember hitting, I wasn't wearing my seat belt for some weird reason, and I had every other time. I Hit my head on the window panel. Decently hard, I hit my knee on the dash, and my arm on the door. I also happened to be on my period which was horrid and bleed ungodly amounts all over everything. I was in hysterics, my head hurt and I was disgusting. And Chris was freaking out. At first he didn't realize the extent of everything, I'm not sure it really hit him what exactly happened. I tried to calm myself down for the rest of the way home. Once home, I ran to the shower, then it all hit me. The pain in my head was unreal, I was shaky, it felt like there was a fire spreading in my head. I was dizzy and my vision was in and out. So Chris got me out of the shower, and Called for an ambulance. I wasn't happy about the Hospital thing, but I knew it was better to be safe then sorry. That, and I did hit my head after all. The Ambulance ride was awful. I wanted to vomit. Once there, I was pretty much in and out. No Concussion, just a little bruised and battered. With an icepack we went home. The weight if everything kind of set in and Chris and I just sort of cried. And I was okay with that, neither of use needed to be very strong at the moment, I know he felt awful about it. Which about a 45 minute nap, I got up and got ready for orientation. Which both Chris and his mother wanted me to reschedule, but I'm sort of stubborn in a sense and decided I would be okay to go. So Chris took me and Waited in the parking lot the entire three and a half hours till I got out. Seriously, awwww! I slept for a little. When he went to work he had left early. This made me seriously upset, I felt like I did something wrong, but I know it was just hard for him to see me and not feel bad. I ended up talking to Rich who I told what was going on and that I was just horribly horribly depressed and that I was alone and it upset me. So I called him and he talked with me about it, told me not much I can do besides love him and let him get through it. It was nice talking to him again. I miss my friends, one of the regrets I have is letting them all go.
It's been almost a week since then now. That was Tuesday early morning. So all is well. I'm feeling a little better, still insanely tired, but I'm sure I will be for awhile.
Everyday is amazing, everyday I fall more and more in love with him. I've never felt this way before, and it's so amazing. I've had my down times already. I fell like I'm not good enough for him sometimes, or like I'm not pretty enough. Maybe not sexy enough. I feel like I'm plane even. And I know he doesn't think any of that. I guess I'm not used to it. But when he tells me I'm beautiful, or gorgeous, I smile so big and blush so much. It makes my world. :D
A Month is coming soon. I am excited. Then his birthday. I look forward to the holidays this year, for once. :D November will be hard, as it always is. Papa died then. It's still very weird even now, I know it's been years since, but he was a huge part of my life. The holidays will be very weird as well, with me being so far from my family. But I have a new one now. And for this I great full. I don't think I could Thank Chris and his Mom enough for everything. Even if she was against it at first. I do appreciate it all.
Well as for everything that's about it. I'm happy and content. I'm in love an insane amount. I'm happy. For once, I'm very happy.
<3
I really should be more loyal to my blog. Except I seem to fill all my time with him. :D That's to be expected though I'm sure. I guess we can start with a few days ago..
We decided to go see Jason play, and we probably shouldn't Chris had just worked 12 hours and was tired, but we went to the bar, and I was so happy and excited. I've been more social lately, and I really like that, I like that I'm not this shy awkward girl. I'm more confident and okay with myself. So seeing Jason play was awesome. It was so nice to be back into the music thing. I really enjoy it and I only hope I can get more into it.. One day. We went to eat after Jason could finally leave and my ears were bleeding from horrid music. Kudos for getting on stage but omg. xD
So once we finished eating Chris and I went on the trip to home. Talking all the while. I guess Chris feel asleep for a split second, cause we were coming up a hill and the car wasn't turning with the curve, instead it was going straight for the rail. I remember saying "baby" a million times, I even hit him. Nothing. He says I screamed which is what woke him up, this I don't remember, honestly it's all a blur, it happened so fast. I just Remember hitting, I wasn't wearing my seat belt for some weird reason, and I had every other time. I Hit my head on the window panel. Decently hard, I hit my knee on the dash, and my arm on the door. I also happened to be on my period which was horrid and bleed ungodly amounts all over everything. I was in hysterics, my head hurt and I was disgusting. And Chris was freaking out. At first he didn't realize the extent of everything, I'm not sure it really hit him what exactly happened. I tried to calm myself down for the rest of the way home. Once home, I ran to the shower, then it all hit me. The pain in my head was unreal, I was shaky, it felt like there was a fire spreading in my head. I was dizzy and my vision was in and out. So Chris got me out of the shower, and Called for an ambulance. I wasn't happy about the Hospital thing, but I knew it was better to be safe then sorry. That, and I did hit my head after all. The Ambulance ride was awful. I wanted to vomit. Once there, I was pretty much in and out. No Concussion, just a little bruised and battered. With an icepack we went home. The weight if everything kind of set in and Chris and I just sort of cried. And I was okay with that, neither of use needed to be very strong at the moment, I know he felt awful about it. Which about a 45 minute nap, I got up and got ready for orientation. Which both Chris and his mother wanted me to reschedule, but I'm sort of stubborn in a sense and decided I would be okay to go. So Chris took me and Waited in the parking lot the entire three and a half hours till I got out. Seriously, awwww! I slept for a little. When he went to work he had left early. This made me seriously upset, I felt like I did something wrong, but I know it was just hard for him to see me and not feel bad. I ended up talking to Rich who I told what was going on and that I was just horribly horribly depressed and that I was alone and it upset me. So I called him and he talked with me about it, told me not much I can do besides love him and let him get through it. It was nice talking to him again. I miss my friends, one of the regrets I have is letting them all go.
It's been almost a week since then now. That was Tuesday early morning. So all is well. I'm feeling a little better, still insanely tired, but I'm sure I will be for awhile.
Everyday is amazing, everyday I fall more and more in love with him. I've never felt this way before, and it's so amazing. I've had my down times already. I fell like I'm not good enough for him sometimes, or like I'm not pretty enough. Maybe not sexy enough. I feel like I'm plane even. And I know he doesn't think any of that. I guess I'm not used to it. But when he tells me I'm beautiful, or gorgeous, I smile so big and blush so much. It makes my world. :D
A Month is coming soon. I am excited. Then his birthday. I look forward to the holidays this year, for once. :D November will be hard, as it always is. Papa died then. It's still very weird even now, I know it's been years since, but he was a huge part of my life. The holidays will be very weird as well, with me being so far from my family. But I have a new one now. And for this I great full. I don't think I could Thank Chris and his Mom enough for everything. Even if she was against it at first. I do appreciate it all.
Well as for everything that's about it. I'm happy and content. I'm in love an insane amount. I'm happy. For once, I'm very happy.
<3
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Proposal...
From way up here, the world seems small. The lights glittering dancing on our forms. Could this be more perfect? More amazing. Bodies intertwined. Warmth. This is the memory I'll keep forever.
Late one night.. Kris decided to show me something. Exited I went off with him. We came up this large hill, and to my surprise before me was the entire city sparkling against the night sky. Honestly this was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. From there it was as if I was looking down at the galaxy. I was like a small child in awe. The light in my eyes was probably amazing. And I could only gasp, "how beautiful". To People who have life in the city their entire life this is probably nothing, but for me it was amazing. And to make things that much more beautiful, as I glanced up into the sky you could see the stars. How amazing! Even with all those lights. I truly felt special.
So arms wrapped around me, I clinging closely. We went on the heartfelt song of emotions. Both amazed at how we got to this point in life. The unluckiest day of all time became out luckiest. 9-11 in New york city, our life's became "perfect". Our hearts beating as we talked of everything thus far. And sitting there looking out his arms around me, it felt like we had been doing this for an eternity, instead of the short week it has only been. Honestly though, it does not feel like a week. Everything feels so right, so perfect, it's like the world shifted and completed finally.
Emotions on fire, spiraling out into the night sky, the two of us looking into each others eyes and those words escaped from his lips, caressing my ear. A melody so sweet, blush to my cheeks face buried in his chest, in my ear he whispered.
I don't think anything could have be more perfect. Ever.
I'm so in love. I can not wait for it to be perfect. To be okay.
I can't wait.. To say "yes".
Late one night.. Kris decided to show me something. Exited I went off with him. We came up this large hill, and to my surprise before me was the entire city sparkling against the night sky. Honestly this was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. From there it was as if I was looking down at the galaxy. I was like a small child in awe. The light in my eyes was probably amazing. And I could only gasp, "how beautiful". To People who have life in the city their entire life this is probably nothing, but for me it was amazing. And to make things that much more beautiful, as I glanced up into the sky you could see the stars. How amazing! Even with all those lights. I truly felt special.
So arms wrapped around me, I clinging closely. We went on the heartfelt song of emotions. Both amazed at how we got to this point in life. The unluckiest day of all time became out luckiest. 9-11 in New york city, our life's became "perfect". Our hearts beating as we talked of everything thus far. And sitting there looking out his arms around me, it felt like we had been doing this for an eternity, instead of the short week it has only been. Honestly though, it does not feel like a week. Everything feels so right, so perfect, it's like the world shifted and completed finally.
Emotions on fire, spiraling out into the night sky, the two of us looking into each others eyes and those words escaped from his lips, caressing my ear. A melody so sweet, blush to my cheeks face buried in his chest, in my ear he whispered.
I don't think anything could have be more perfect. Ever.
I'm so in love. I can not wait for it to be perfect. To be okay.
I can't wait.. To say "yes".
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Found..
Sitting here, the house empty the world so calm. The Summer leaving as the cool air fills the room. You smile, lips parting. You realize how far you have come. And all the pain of the world you once know seems like a distant nightmare.
I look back. Sometimes, I can hardly believe how far I have come. Who was that awkward naive little girl? I admit I was never the best friend, nor was I even remotely a decent Girlfriend, and for that I am so sorry. Through all my faults though, there are people still in my life. That is amazing!
Time goes so slow and yet, so fast. Some days I lose track of the minutes. How did I ever become so lucky? All the trials in my life, was it to come to this moment? I'm starting to think so and with these thoughts there are a few things I'm Really starting to consider. For starters, Getting back in religion, for so long I have avoided it. I refused to be anything, not saying I have to be what the torn version of Christianity is now, but I think a little faith in my life is a good thing?
I also know, that for three years I haven't taken a picture. I used to Carry a Camera with me everywhere just so I couldn't lose a memory, cause that's one of my biggest fears is not remember the good memories and how I want to! With out a Camera I almost feel lost. Not to mention there isn't a recent picture of me anywhere. And that's almost saddening. Or maybe, it's cause I just want people to see how happy I am right now?
Which leads me into another thing. Kris.
Kris is probably one of the most Amazing guys I know. I have known him for such a long time. And I honestly would have never thought, I would be sitting here on his bed, in his room, In his home in PA. Somehow fate lead us together again after a Hiatus. Somehow something made me message him, and for some reason he decided to message me back. What started as two friends catching up on life, relearning one another turned into something so amazing. Reading through the conversations you can see the transition, slowly day by day, the attachment. Of course, most of the growing was done over Skype several hours every night. It turned into me waking and trying to fill every moment of time I had so I could be closer to talking to him. And when I couldn't talk to him it turned into tears and a whisper of "oh gosh, I just want to talk to Kris"
So When things started going wrong in LA, Kris was there for me. He was my strength my word of reason. He had offered once for me to come, but I honestly thought he was playing. As we talked more he kept mentioning, and then, I started to think about it. I pushed myself to try and find a job, I was going insane. But Nothing would please them, I found out. So then we started making decisions. I was so scared. And once my mind was made, they tried to sway me. Getting on the plane was so hard. I did it. And I'm so glad.
I fell madly in love with him the moment he turned and smiled at me. The Ride home, was so amazing. There was no awkwardness I was expecting, I was so comfortable with him. My hand in his. Perfect. The way he looks at me melts my heart. I quiver. I can't breath. I think of him and my breath is taken from my lips. Being in his arms. Makes me feel so safe. When he kisses me, the world spins. And those butterflies, omigosh, those butterflies. I hope they never leave. When he leaves for work I am sad. And When he Returns I'm so excited and happy.
I know I've probably said this a million times through out my life, and I'm sure each time it was true. But I have Never felt like this before. And Knowing I can talk to him about everything makes me so happy. I don't have to hide from him. And the Simple "I'm Fine" Never works for him. Because he knows. And it's amazing for once for someone to finally look at me and go you are not fine. Instead of blowing me off. Every moment with him is amazing. Everyday is breathtaking. And I only hope this continues. I hope he still loves me in months to come. Then years. Maybe even a lifetime.
He is my best friend, my lover, My strength, my hope, My everything. Ultimately, I would give the world to see him smile. I love him. And for once, I can say those words, I've been so scared to say.
How did I get so lucky? How did I get fates Grace? I'm so glad I got on that plane. And slowly, this for once is starting to feel like a home to me. Which I have been searching for. For so, so long.
I want to stay so in love. Please don't let this end.
I love you.
I look back. Sometimes, I can hardly believe how far I have come. Who was that awkward naive little girl? I admit I was never the best friend, nor was I even remotely a decent Girlfriend, and for that I am so sorry. Through all my faults though, there are people still in my life. That is amazing!
Time goes so slow and yet, so fast. Some days I lose track of the minutes. How did I ever become so lucky? All the trials in my life, was it to come to this moment? I'm starting to think so and with these thoughts there are a few things I'm Really starting to consider. For starters, Getting back in religion, for so long I have avoided it. I refused to be anything, not saying I have to be what the torn version of Christianity is now, but I think a little faith in my life is a good thing?
I also know, that for three years I haven't taken a picture. I used to Carry a Camera with me everywhere just so I couldn't lose a memory, cause that's one of my biggest fears is not remember the good memories and how I want to! With out a Camera I almost feel lost. Not to mention there isn't a recent picture of me anywhere. And that's almost saddening. Or maybe, it's cause I just want people to see how happy I am right now?
Which leads me into another thing. Kris.
Kris is probably one of the most Amazing guys I know. I have known him for such a long time. And I honestly would have never thought, I would be sitting here on his bed, in his room, In his home in PA. Somehow fate lead us together again after a Hiatus. Somehow something made me message him, and for some reason he decided to message me back. What started as two friends catching up on life, relearning one another turned into something so amazing. Reading through the conversations you can see the transition, slowly day by day, the attachment. Of course, most of the growing was done over Skype several hours every night. It turned into me waking and trying to fill every moment of time I had so I could be closer to talking to him. And when I couldn't talk to him it turned into tears and a whisper of "oh gosh, I just want to talk to Kris"
So When things started going wrong in LA, Kris was there for me. He was my strength my word of reason. He had offered once for me to come, but I honestly thought he was playing. As we talked more he kept mentioning, and then, I started to think about it. I pushed myself to try and find a job, I was going insane. But Nothing would please them, I found out. So then we started making decisions. I was so scared. And once my mind was made, they tried to sway me. Getting on the plane was so hard. I did it. And I'm so glad.
I fell madly in love with him the moment he turned and smiled at me. The Ride home, was so amazing. There was no awkwardness I was expecting, I was so comfortable with him. My hand in his. Perfect. The way he looks at me melts my heart. I quiver. I can't breath. I think of him and my breath is taken from my lips. Being in his arms. Makes me feel so safe. When he kisses me, the world spins. And those butterflies, omigosh, those butterflies. I hope they never leave. When he leaves for work I am sad. And When he Returns I'm so excited and happy.
I know I've probably said this a million times through out my life, and I'm sure each time it was true. But I have Never felt like this before. And Knowing I can talk to him about everything makes me so happy. I don't have to hide from him. And the Simple "I'm Fine" Never works for him. Because he knows. And it's amazing for once for someone to finally look at me and go you are not fine. Instead of blowing me off. Every moment with him is amazing. Everyday is breathtaking. And I only hope this continues. I hope he still loves me in months to come. Then years. Maybe even a lifetime.
He is my best friend, my lover, My strength, my hope, My everything. Ultimately, I would give the world to see him smile. I love him. And for once, I can say those words, I've been so scared to say.
How did I get so lucky? How did I get fates Grace? I'm so glad I got on that plane. And slowly, this for once is starting to feel like a home to me. Which I have been searching for. For so, so long.
I want to stay so in love. Please don't let this end.
I love you.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Happiness.
Sitting there the hours slowing ticking by. The world around me nothing, only my thoughts played on my brain. My eyes closed breathing deeply. Breath in. Breath out. Breath Slow.
The plane ride blew my mind, between the anxiety And the butterflies I seriously felt like I would just vomit. So I calmed myself. I thought of our meeting so many times. It's filled my mind for days now. And my excitement was overwhelming. When the plane finally landed I took a deep breath and walked off. Walking down those hallways to baggage was the longest moments of my life. I almost couldn't breath at all. I just kept praying you were really there.
And when I saw you pacing I smiled so big and I couldn't help myself at all. My butterflies were dancing like crazy and the world finally seems to come to peace. So when I basically pounced you, I was almost in tears. We had a meeting that would rival those of the lovers coming home to see their family for the first time in months. I was so happy I was in your arms and I was so close to tears of joy. I remember the guy that worked there looking over at us and you could just see that wonder in his eyes, like wow, That's what it should be like. It was amazing, and never could I have pictured it more perfect then it was.
My hand in yours I realized how perfectly they fit together and my mind was at ease as if something kept telling me it was meant to be. besides the fates have battled for far to long, it had to happen. And it did.
So my First night with you has been amazing. i was so scared I never thought I'd be okay. I thought for sure I'd be scared and distant, but it seems like I can't be close enough to you. And now you are asleep and all I can do is watch you and smile.
When you look at me the way you do, it blows my mind. I never thought someone could look at me like that. It's amazing.
When you kiss me you take my breath away. Every time. It's incredible. And the first time you kissed me, I was just like wow. I was so shy and so amazed you actually kissed me then.
I'm so excited to be here, and I promise to try my best to be a good girlfriend for you. Everyday is a step I have to take and a challenge to overcome, and I can't wait.
<3
Mine.
The plane ride blew my mind, between the anxiety And the butterflies I seriously felt like I would just vomit. So I calmed myself. I thought of our meeting so many times. It's filled my mind for days now. And my excitement was overwhelming. When the plane finally landed I took a deep breath and walked off. Walking down those hallways to baggage was the longest moments of my life. I almost couldn't breath at all. I just kept praying you were really there.
And when I saw you pacing I smiled so big and I couldn't help myself at all. My butterflies were dancing like crazy and the world finally seems to come to peace. So when I basically pounced you, I was almost in tears. We had a meeting that would rival those of the lovers coming home to see their family for the first time in months. I was so happy I was in your arms and I was so close to tears of joy. I remember the guy that worked there looking over at us and you could just see that wonder in his eyes, like wow, That's what it should be like. It was amazing, and never could I have pictured it more perfect then it was.
My hand in yours I realized how perfectly they fit together and my mind was at ease as if something kept telling me it was meant to be. besides the fates have battled for far to long, it had to happen. And it did.
So my First night with you has been amazing. i was so scared I never thought I'd be okay. I thought for sure I'd be scared and distant, but it seems like I can't be close enough to you. And now you are asleep and all I can do is watch you and smile.
When you look at me the way you do, it blows my mind. I never thought someone could look at me like that. It's amazing.
When you kiss me you take my breath away. Every time. It's incredible. And the first time you kissed me, I was just like wow. I was so shy and so amazed you actually kissed me then.
I'm so excited to be here, and I promise to try my best to be a good girlfriend for you. Everyday is a step I have to take and a challenge to overcome, and I can't wait.
<3
Mine.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
lion
Sitting here with thoughts so fulfilling endlessly dancing on my brain. The fragile soul swirling in an endless beat of purity. Falling into these emotions. Unknown. Fear. Excited.
So as the days near I get closer to a huge step in my life. And it's something I really believe I need to do. It'll help me. And honestly I can't wait to.
Sleeping to make the days go quicker, trying to keep my heart from escaping my chest out of nervousness and excitement. I've never felt this before. And my world is spinning.
This is something huge for me. But I can't stop thinking about it. I'll willing to take the biggest risk of my life to attempt to be happy. And some people may think that's so stupid and Naive of me.. But if I stay scared what will happen when I look back at this and as the movies say " in ten years don't you want to look back and say you had the guts to get in the car?" Cliche and retarded but it's true. I want to be able to luck back and say I had the guts to conquer my fear and get on that bus.
And something keeps telling me it'll be okay. I'm making the right decision. And god I hope so.
You are the light to my life right now. And I only wish we had never stopped talking. And I apologize for that. I would have never wanted to. But circumstances are what they are, and some how fate brought me back to you. You are my strength when days are long. You are the smile in my life, my heart aches when you are away. No matter how upset I am you are there for me. You make me smile so big. From ear to ear, and I honestly can't remember smiling like that. Hearing your words dance against my ears makes me squee with lack of better word to define lol. I feel like that little girl again shy and lost. Learning all over again. And it kills me everyday I can't say those words to you. When you say them my mouth opens but nothing comes out.. and I just giggle. I want to. But nothing escapes and it pains me daily. Cause you deserve to hear those words. God do you! I can't even express myself to you correctly. I wish I could tell you everything and I try as I stumble over words and I shake uncontrollably. Tears fill my eyes and the words just never sound right. And I know you are scared do. But please don't be. I am so so *searches for words* Wanting you. Nothing will change my mind. Nothing. I promise. I can't wait to be there with you. In your arms see your eyes. And know I am safe.
My excitement is overwhelming it makes it hard to breath and I feel my hands coming to my chest to feel the beats of my heart playing a rhythm for only you. You'll know you'll feel it. I know. When your hand comes to my chest my fingers entangled in yours, you'll hear the music is plays. The song that's for you.
The bus ride will be most torture, I'll think of nothing more then being there and only hope the hours are kind to me. Without your voice I'll feel lost. But the want is what will make it easier for me to make it through. I'll be by your side soon. I will be yours. I will be everything you wished for and deserve with a little patience and guidance,I promise. I will be the yin to your yang. I will be your best friend, your lover, yours. You will have the key to my heart, the door to my soul and the thoughts of my mind. I am so wishing to give you everything I have to offer, and I am so scared. Please want me. Please love me. Please cherish me. Fix whats broken mend the wounds, kiss my scares.. for you my heart beats this beautiful song.
only.. for you.
So as the days near I get closer to a huge step in my life. And it's something I really believe I need to do. It'll help me. And honestly I can't wait to.
Sleeping to make the days go quicker, trying to keep my heart from escaping my chest out of nervousness and excitement. I've never felt this before. And my world is spinning.
This is something huge for me. But I can't stop thinking about it. I'll willing to take the biggest risk of my life to attempt to be happy. And some people may think that's so stupid and Naive of me.. But if I stay scared what will happen when I look back at this and as the movies say " in ten years don't you want to look back and say you had the guts to get in the car?" Cliche and retarded but it's true. I want to be able to luck back and say I had the guts to conquer my fear and get on that bus.
And something keeps telling me it'll be okay. I'm making the right decision. And god I hope so.
You are the light to my life right now. And I only wish we had never stopped talking. And I apologize for that. I would have never wanted to. But circumstances are what they are, and some how fate brought me back to you. You are my strength when days are long. You are the smile in my life, my heart aches when you are away. No matter how upset I am you are there for me. You make me smile so big. From ear to ear, and I honestly can't remember smiling like that. Hearing your words dance against my ears makes me squee with lack of better word to define lol. I feel like that little girl again shy and lost. Learning all over again. And it kills me everyday I can't say those words to you. When you say them my mouth opens but nothing comes out.. and I just giggle. I want to. But nothing escapes and it pains me daily. Cause you deserve to hear those words. God do you! I can't even express myself to you correctly. I wish I could tell you everything and I try as I stumble over words and I shake uncontrollably. Tears fill my eyes and the words just never sound right. And I know you are scared do. But please don't be. I am so so *searches for words* Wanting you. Nothing will change my mind. Nothing. I promise. I can't wait to be there with you. In your arms see your eyes. And know I am safe.
My excitement is overwhelming it makes it hard to breath and I feel my hands coming to my chest to feel the beats of my heart playing a rhythm for only you. You'll know you'll feel it. I know. When your hand comes to my chest my fingers entangled in yours, you'll hear the music is plays. The song that's for you.
The bus ride will be most torture, I'll think of nothing more then being there and only hope the hours are kind to me. Without your voice I'll feel lost. But the want is what will make it easier for me to make it through. I'll be by your side soon. I will be yours. I will be everything you wished for and deserve with a little patience and guidance,I promise. I will be the yin to your yang. I will be your best friend, your lover, yours. You will have the key to my heart, the door to my soul and the thoughts of my mind. I am so wishing to give you everything I have to offer, and I am so scared. Please want me. Please love me. Please cherish me. Fix whats broken mend the wounds, kiss my scares.. for you my heart beats this beautiful song.
only.. for you.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Tragic...Depression.
No one wishes to admit they are not well. Strength is measured through society on how well you can with what is thrown at you.
I'm struggling with depression badly. I've been playing this I'm fine game for so long. And I just want to scream I'm not okay! Would anyone even listen? Would they ignore the cries and think she's just crying out for attention?
I've barely been sleeping. I have to force myself to eat. Every bite is hell. I feel like I'm going to vomit. And I have to fight that. I have to eat. I sit in darkness and right now music so loud so I can ignore everything around me. I'm not social and don't want to be. I just want to lock myself up.
What am i to do?
I'm struggling with depression badly. I've been playing this I'm fine game for so long. And I just want to scream I'm not okay! Would anyone even listen? Would they ignore the cries and think she's just crying out for attention?
I've barely been sleeping. I have to force myself to eat. Every bite is hell. I feel like I'm going to vomit. And I have to fight that. I have to eat. I sit in darkness and right now music so loud so I can ignore everything around me. I'm not social and don't want to be. I just want to lock myself up.
What am i to do?
Music...Endless beats.
Admitting the words letting them escape my lips. Are the hardest things in the world for me. sitting here every day, everynight feeling so scared of these feelings. It has been so long since I felt those butterflies when someone said something sweet. So long since I could giggle and blush. Sitting here wishing, hoping, and praying I can have something amazing. I want to be the person you never had the girl of your dreams. The person you can tell anything even if it'll hurt me. I want to give you that chance to hold my hands and look in my eyes and just smile. I wish I had the strength. I wish I could take that step forward.
I wish I could smile with my heart bleeding knowing it's only for a few more moments. Knowing soon it'll be healed, be stitched. That it will be cared for. My heart beats so fast and I lose myself. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. And I can only hope it doesn't fade. I don't want this feeling to leave. I don't want to feel alone. I want to know someone will take me as I am. Granted, that's broken and battered. But I pray that's enough.
I'm not prefect, I never was. I never pretended to be. I have my faults. I have my doubts. I over analyze every word to every sentence till I am insane. I ask a million questions. I doubt myself. I'm scared of everything. I'm afriad to fail. I want so badly to make something worth while for my life. But more then anything I want to make a life with someone.
Loneliness is soficating. Feels like your drowning. Most know the feeling. Especially after you've given someone everything. Laying in bed alone no one at your side is a horrible feeling.
Moving forward though simple is still exhausting. Putting behind a past that is a nightmare is such a battle. There will never be a knight in shining armor so you are on your own. It's like pandora's box. I wish I had one of those. I could lock the memory away. Write a warning. see who is foolish enough to open the box and releash the nightmare? Hopefully by then I'll be far away in a distant place. Happy.
I have dreams. I have since I was a girl. Funny how fairy tales are so amazing to the young girl. Niave and innocent. She knows nothing. Her first love is amazing and so new. The first kiss is nothing like the movies. It's not magical just awkward. Then after that the first kiss with someone else is either horrible exciting or disappointing.
I think girls are foolish. We want romance that doesn't exsist in this world anymore. You know the rose petals, candle light, that mixed CD of all the romance songs you totally adore. The love in his eyes. The whispers in your ear. None of that exsists. Sadly. For guys it's just sex. I guess they never had that in them, the romance thing was a fantasy women made up in hopes to have higher standards. Sometimes I wish we lived in different times, maybe it would be different. Then again back in medievil times you had no choice you married who your parents decided and you learned to love eachother or respect eachother at least. Maybe that's why they always had mistresses or "stable" boys. heh.
I remember writing a list of things I wanted. That I wouldn't settle for less, boy where the hell did that list go! Now I couldn't even remember what was on it. I remember after Josh I wouldn't let anyone hurt me again. That's why I was single for so long. I wanted to be the one to hurt people for once, be the thing they could never have. I was the girl they always talked about. They one they said was so gorgeous but so cold. And I was fine with that.
I have touched peoples lives in ways I don't understand. I always thought I was this horrible kid. That I made so many mistakes, that I was the worst girlfriend ever. But somehow, they think of me, wonder about me. Whether it was a long period or a small one I am a memory which is branded on their brain. I have people from almost ten years ago saying thank you for loving me. Or telling me they are still in love with me, though flattered, I don't see why.
If there was a portal to step through to rework the past would I step through? I don't know. Every event in my life has made me the woman I am today. I'm so strong. So beautiful. A little lost. But I am an amazing person. So what would have happened if I made different decisions? What would have happened if I stayed in Boca? What would have happened if I never met L.J? Would I be this person I am?
If i hadn't taken the risks I did, though scared, would i have made it this far? And there are so many more risks I have to take. So many more things I need to do. I can only hope this search for a place to belong ends soon. I'm terrified to live alone, granted I wouldn't mind I suppose, but that just solidifies how lonely I am.
Sitting here music blaring in my ears the world around me fading. What a comfort. I haven't done this in so long. It makes me think so much more clearly. Makes me focus. And makes me want to write.
I miss so much. I used to live to write. I used to be so happy to paint. I loved having canvas and paints and getting it all over me and just painting away never knowing what I was going to but waiting till the end to see. It was amazing! Some of my best memories revolve around music. like getting in the car blasting the music and driving to nowhere just singing as loud as we can!
Sitting in the rain with friends. singing and dancing god we were soaked! Laughter and smiles. The world was so much easier then. And the biggest worry then was would he like me? Or how did I do on that test.
Who would have thought life would be filled with trials? Filled with pain and tears. Who would have thought you'd have to fight against the world in order to accomplish something. When I was 16 I would have never thought I wouldn't speak with my parents anymore. I would have never thought I could have been abused. I never that I would have been raped. I never thought this series of events would pile on my mind. I never thought I would hide it all. Or that I'd lose friends. When I was 16 I thought everything would be ok. I thought I'd graduate from school and be in college. I'd be with mom and Dad till school was ended. I'd have a career. I'd be married. I'd have kids. Whoa. I thought wrong.
Heart beating, hands sweating, breath quick, eyes watered. Emotions dancing. Swirling. Memories lasting. Reflecting. Eyes open, mouth wide. Smiles. I can only hope that when someone meets me their mind never changes, and they want me. God I hope they do.
I feel like a teenager again falling in love for the first time. So giggly. So hopeful. So scared. Hands sweating butterflies dancing so hard to and endless beat of the heart. Please want me to. please.
I can't say the words now.. maybe I will when I can see your eyes.
I wish I could smile with my heart bleeding knowing it's only for a few more moments. Knowing soon it'll be healed, be stitched. That it will be cared for. My heart beats so fast and I lose myself. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. And I can only hope it doesn't fade. I don't want this feeling to leave. I don't want to feel alone. I want to know someone will take me as I am. Granted, that's broken and battered. But I pray that's enough.
I'm not prefect, I never was. I never pretended to be. I have my faults. I have my doubts. I over analyze every word to every sentence till I am insane. I ask a million questions. I doubt myself. I'm scared of everything. I'm afriad to fail. I want so badly to make something worth while for my life. But more then anything I want to make a life with someone.
Loneliness is soficating. Feels like your drowning. Most know the feeling. Especially after you've given someone everything. Laying in bed alone no one at your side is a horrible feeling.
Moving forward though simple is still exhausting. Putting behind a past that is a nightmare is such a battle. There will never be a knight in shining armor so you are on your own. It's like pandora's box. I wish I had one of those. I could lock the memory away. Write a warning. see who is foolish enough to open the box and releash the nightmare? Hopefully by then I'll be far away in a distant place. Happy.
I have dreams. I have since I was a girl. Funny how fairy tales are so amazing to the young girl. Niave and innocent. She knows nothing. Her first love is amazing and so new. The first kiss is nothing like the movies. It's not magical just awkward. Then after that the first kiss with someone else is either horrible exciting or disappointing.
I think girls are foolish. We want romance that doesn't exsist in this world anymore. You know the rose petals, candle light, that mixed CD of all the romance songs you totally adore. The love in his eyes. The whispers in your ear. None of that exsists. Sadly. For guys it's just sex. I guess they never had that in them, the romance thing was a fantasy women made up in hopes to have higher standards. Sometimes I wish we lived in different times, maybe it would be different. Then again back in medievil times you had no choice you married who your parents decided and you learned to love eachother or respect eachother at least. Maybe that's why they always had mistresses or "stable" boys. heh.
I remember writing a list of things I wanted. That I wouldn't settle for less, boy where the hell did that list go! Now I couldn't even remember what was on it. I remember after Josh I wouldn't let anyone hurt me again. That's why I was single for so long. I wanted to be the one to hurt people for once, be the thing they could never have. I was the girl they always talked about. They one they said was so gorgeous but so cold. And I was fine with that.
I have touched peoples lives in ways I don't understand. I always thought I was this horrible kid. That I made so many mistakes, that I was the worst girlfriend ever. But somehow, they think of me, wonder about me. Whether it was a long period or a small one I am a memory which is branded on their brain. I have people from almost ten years ago saying thank you for loving me. Or telling me they are still in love with me, though flattered, I don't see why.
If there was a portal to step through to rework the past would I step through? I don't know. Every event in my life has made me the woman I am today. I'm so strong. So beautiful. A little lost. But I am an amazing person. So what would have happened if I made different decisions? What would have happened if I stayed in Boca? What would have happened if I never met L.J? Would I be this person I am?
If i hadn't taken the risks I did, though scared, would i have made it this far? And there are so many more risks I have to take. So many more things I need to do. I can only hope this search for a place to belong ends soon. I'm terrified to live alone, granted I wouldn't mind I suppose, but that just solidifies how lonely I am.
Sitting here music blaring in my ears the world around me fading. What a comfort. I haven't done this in so long. It makes me think so much more clearly. Makes me focus. And makes me want to write.
I miss so much. I used to live to write. I used to be so happy to paint. I loved having canvas and paints and getting it all over me and just painting away never knowing what I was going to but waiting till the end to see. It was amazing! Some of my best memories revolve around music. like getting in the car blasting the music and driving to nowhere just singing as loud as we can!
Sitting in the rain with friends. singing and dancing god we were soaked! Laughter and smiles. The world was so much easier then. And the biggest worry then was would he like me? Or how did I do on that test.
Who would have thought life would be filled with trials? Filled with pain and tears. Who would have thought you'd have to fight against the world in order to accomplish something. When I was 16 I would have never thought I wouldn't speak with my parents anymore. I would have never thought I could have been abused. I never that I would have been raped. I never thought this series of events would pile on my mind. I never thought I would hide it all. Or that I'd lose friends. When I was 16 I thought everything would be ok. I thought I'd graduate from school and be in college. I'd be with mom and Dad till school was ended. I'd have a career. I'd be married. I'd have kids. Whoa. I thought wrong.
Heart beating, hands sweating, breath quick, eyes watered. Emotions dancing. Swirling. Memories lasting. Reflecting. Eyes open, mouth wide. Smiles. I can only hope that when someone meets me their mind never changes, and they want me. God I hope they do.
I feel like a teenager again falling in love for the first time. So giggly. So hopeful. So scared. Hands sweating butterflies dancing so hard to and endless beat of the heart. Please want me to. please.
I can't say the words now.. maybe I will when I can see your eyes.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
You stop and think and what what the best method is in order to "fix" yourself. After people telling you one thing, others telling you another...and then your own loud voice screaming in your head.. the confusion is all to real.
You try to pretend smile and laugh. You talk about it like it doesn't matter. You wonder what's the best method. But you really don't know. So now reality hits you in the face and you wonder what should you do now.
I hadn't talked about it..I've been to afraid I guess.. Because writing here means it actually happened instead of ignoring it and pretending I am fine. So what is making me throw up on this canvas now?
I went to the Health unit yesterday to fix the menstrual issue I have been having since I can't remember when. When the Nurse came in that was to my exam she had asked why I moved to Louisiana from Florida. So I looked at her and smiled telling her I was in a bad situation and needed a fresh start with a soft laugh at the end. She looked at me then with such sadness and said.. you were abused weren't you. I was off guard I looked at her and nodded trying to force the smile.. I wanted to be ok. So she asked if he hit me.. and I said not that I recall really just pushed me and spit on me nothing horrible I guess. So she did the exam and as I sat up she looked at me and asked if I wanted to talk to someone because the social worker was there that day. I shook my head as tears fell. No I didn't. And this darling old lady looked at me and said, well you don't have to talk just let her give you some information for when you do decide, it would mean a lot to me. So I nodded. Got dressed and went to meet the social worker. Sitting there was awkward, she started asking questions and I would meekly answer. She asked if I was depressed finally and I looked at her then away and though for a moment. I told her I wasn't sure, but probably. I know I've been growing more and more unsocial and it's worrying my roommates some. So with some references and her number I now have numbers to woman shelters mental health clinics and her personal number if I choose to talk....
No yesterday I was so exhausted tired and in pain I just never thought much of it. Today there's papers all over the futon tabs up on abuse, depression, so on so forth I'm wondering what the best method is. I'm also wondering if I do decide.. how do I talk to Marissa and Robert about this.. and let them know.. I'm Not okay...
I think what's in order is for people to know what I've been through and despite my wishes maybe it's best to allow people to read this.. just this. Maybe if people read and understood maybe they would understand me a little more?
So When I first meet him he was a "friend" of my sisters which I thought nothing of my sister had a lot of those and she was four years older then I So nothing came to mind. I was like 11 and they were probably 14-15. I Remember him talking to me a lot. Then I remember him not being around. I decided despite how stupid it was To sign up on plenty of fish because a friend told me I should. Still don't know what I was thinking. Many people messaged me, and he was one. I wasn't attracted to him by the picture and the description, but I've always given people a chance and I could always use friends. I was living in Brandon at the time with my friend Shawn. I knew he looked familiar but I couldn't place it. Till he asked if my sister was Kristen, I said yes and then we talked some. We hung out some. And decided to allow him to spend a few days with Shawn and I so we drove out to go get him and spent about a week together. I thought he was the sweetest thing ever. I got my job and everything seemed awesome. He made up a lie about the situation at home and of course I hadn't known this then..So Shawn and I talked and decided to allow him to move in as well, it would help the bills and all that. So he did and he slept on the couch in my room. He would sing to me all the time. And when I was upset comfort me. He was that I thought I had wanted so we started dating. When I think back, maybe I was lonely... Cause there where no butterflies when he kissed me.. there never ever was. But for the moment I was happy.
He made me give up my best friend.. and I did for the most part without a thought... When we moved I got the apartment in my name and was so exciting I had done what I wanted, work was great life was good. We got Our cat and it was so exciting. We spent Christmas together we went to his mothers and slept there and he had gotten me this Jewelery box it was so pretty one of the old styled ones, I was so happy...
He joined a band, I don't remember the month, and he got severely Ill in January, for both our birthdays. We were in and out of the hospital a lot. Then he got better and the band picked up. The first gig he did they were out all night... I stayed up as late as i could and when i woke up to be at work by 7 he was still not home, I called and nothing. So I went to work severely pissed. When I got home he was passed out.. and smelt like beer. I asked him what the hell and he said he was to drunk to come home. which made no sense to me but whatever. The more he was with them the less time he spent with me. It was music and this and that and he spent money god did he spend sooo much money. I remember going to one of his gigs. and I was terrified cause I'd never so much as been to a bar let alone by myself while my boyfriend wouldn't even come near me..He wouldn't touch me wouldn't kiss me hell he talked to me as if I was a friend. When I asked him about it his answer was no one needs to know my personal life, besides it looks bad for the band if the most attractive guy is dating someone, most of our fanbase will be females they want to know they have a chance. I was furious. That started the spiral. Along with the conversation of why he wouldn't have sex with me. I remember that like it was yesterday, I would try and he pushed me away and looked at me and said I'm going to tell you something and don't get upset but I don't like having sex with you, I've never been with a big girl and it's uncomfortable... so I asked.. so your not attracted to me... He said no I am just sex just doesn't work for us, but I love you.. I was in tears.. and he just looked at me like I was so stupid for crying... So I stopped trying. I never wore makeup I didn't want to look cute anymore. So when I started wearing it again when I'd visit Nick I guess he should have known. At first we were friends.. But then when I got the new my sister was in the hospital and I was a wreck i was in tears and I asked him to stay home from his gig he told me now.. so I called Nick and asked to come over and he said yes. He cheered me up we watched some Bleach.. and I cheated on Him... I remember getting dressed asking to us the restroom and just crying trying to stay quiet wiping the tears and coming out.. and we said our goodbyes. I Remember the text from nick saying I think I love you.. I remember my heart stopping and I drove for an hour nowhere just trying till He called and asked me to meet up with him and friends. So I did. And I was ignored.. I was at this table and ignored, while they were drunk. So I made it apoint to talk to Nick more.....I fell for him... And I was thinking of a way to Tell LJ but I didn't know how.. So finally he started screaming at me and I'd never seen that before.. he through something at me and it came so close to hitting me then shattered... so I told him and he screamed and called me names and stole my phone and called nick.....and threatened him then me....
I don't remember that night much I just remember him forcing the phone and told Nick to say it..Then Nick told me he wanted nothing to do with me. And then I remember crying and feeling trapped. I remember my heart ripping and my world shattered to pieces... And LJ trying to be the hero for the first time in months he held me kissed my face and told me it was ok.
I stopped talking to everyone after that day. I had no contact and he was happy. I devoted what I had to him and tried to work on it.. it never got better, we fought constantly and always he would tell me I was a worthless whore.
I remember him having a gig and me getting home from work going to put gas in the car and it wouldn't start again. I remember calling home and getting his cousin asking him to call one of the guys phones cause i was stranded at the gas station and the car wouldn't start at this point i had no cell phone I wasn't allowed. His Cousin called back and told me he said he would be there in about three hours after his gig.. I told him to tell him forget it. I was in tears told the guys there i was leaving the car at the pump and would be back walked out locked my car and started walking home at night in the city. Some older black gentlemen stopped me and offered me a ride and I said fine. At that point I didn't care if I was kidnapped and killed i was so upset. He told me everything would be fine dropped me off and wished me a blessed night. I went inside closed to door and slept. When he got home with his band buddies he tried to act tough and yelled at me for not pushing the car into a parking spot. No I was annoyed. I yelled at him infront of them and asked what kind of man leaves his gf stranded at a gas station at night!
He made me lose my job threatened Cashiers and my Boss so when I came in the next day I was told I let someone use my discount card, which never happened come to find out it was LJs fault. With no job his band mate moved in along with his cousin so four adults in a one bedroom apartment with me the only one cleaning was getting on my nerves.
I resigned my lease only for two weeks later LJ to get into a fight with his band mate and us being forced to leave cause suddenly we couldn't afford it. He made us move in with his aunt and cousins. It was horrible.. it was a nasty.. food would sit out for weeks. Trash would pile inside, and no one would clean. We fought more and more.
Finally it got bad. He'd get more violent more pushy. I remember once being hit in the stomach so hard while I was sleeping I remember waking up in tears screaming and him calmly looking over at me. I didn't think nothing of it at first i figured it was an accident but thinking now, i'm sure it wasn't. Most people who heard the person they love scream would be panicking. He was calm and wouldn't hold me.. i was in so much pain.. I just went back to sleep crying....
I remember leaving once but I came back and i wish i hadn't.
I indulged myself in wow to ignore him to forget he was there. We fought over that two. Anything we could. And he blamed me for the failed relationship. It was my fault for now trying. when my family wouldn't talk to me I was in tears and he blamed me for being an idiot. I don't know the last time he told me I was beautiful. I don't remember him ever getting me anything besides the Jewelery box which I'm sure was his mothers. I felt worthless. I felt disgusting. Helpless. Lost. I was so depressed.
Finally it was horrible. I wasn't allowed on the computer allowed to use the phone. Wasn't allowed anything while he spent all night talking to girls.
I wasn't invited to the fourth of july party with his family. he left me home alone. I read his convos with these girls. I was the ex. He was in love with this girl had kissed this girl recently had said all these horrible things about me and how he wanted her.
we fought.. I was leaving. He spit on me.. pushed me down and held me there. I screamed, screamed so loud.. and no one came to help..... three other adults in that house and no one came to help. He was hurting me, his grip was tight. It hurt I wanted out, I started having a panic attack. I couldn't breath. I felt so hopeless I wanted to leave, i tried to push him away and i was so weak. I screamed and cried and he treated to kill me.. I shut up. He held the knife to me. told me he would. Told me how.. then told me he'd kill himself and he wouldn't care.
The next few weeks were repeats of that.. except he would try and force me to have sex, and we fought over that. I wouldn't let him touch me.
He spit on my a second time.. and I was done. I left.
I found out everything was a lie he had ever told me.
Now dealing with it.. is so hard..
I can't trust I feel vulnerable and I feel like I need to just keep running. I want to fell safe..
and I don't know what to do...
You try to pretend smile and laugh. You talk about it like it doesn't matter. You wonder what's the best method. But you really don't know. So now reality hits you in the face and you wonder what should you do now.
I hadn't talked about it..I've been to afraid I guess.. Because writing here means it actually happened instead of ignoring it and pretending I am fine. So what is making me throw up on this canvas now?
I went to the Health unit yesterday to fix the menstrual issue I have been having since I can't remember when. When the Nurse came in that was to my exam she had asked why I moved to Louisiana from Florida. So I looked at her and smiled telling her I was in a bad situation and needed a fresh start with a soft laugh at the end. She looked at me then with such sadness and said.. you were abused weren't you. I was off guard I looked at her and nodded trying to force the smile.. I wanted to be ok. So she asked if he hit me.. and I said not that I recall really just pushed me and spit on me nothing horrible I guess. So she did the exam and as I sat up she looked at me and asked if I wanted to talk to someone because the social worker was there that day. I shook my head as tears fell. No I didn't. And this darling old lady looked at me and said, well you don't have to talk just let her give you some information for when you do decide, it would mean a lot to me. So I nodded. Got dressed and went to meet the social worker. Sitting there was awkward, she started asking questions and I would meekly answer. She asked if I was depressed finally and I looked at her then away and though for a moment. I told her I wasn't sure, but probably. I know I've been growing more and more unsocial and it's worrying my roommates some. So with some references and her number I now have numbers to woman shelters mental health clinics and her personal number if I choose to talk....
No yesterday I was so exhausted tired and in pain I just never thought much of it. Today there's papers all over the futon tabs up on abuse, depression, so on so forth I'm wondering what the best method is. I'm also wondering if I do decide.. how do I talk to Marissa and Robert about this.. and let them know.. I'm Not okay...
I think what's in order is for people to know what I've been through and despite my wishes maybe it's best to allow people to read this.. just this. Maybe if people read and understood maybe they would understand me a little more?
So When I first meet him he was a "friend" of my sisters which I thought nothing of my sister had a lot of those and she was four years older then I So nothing came to mind. I was like 11 and they were probably 14-15. I Remember him talking to me a lot. Then I remember him not being around. I decided despite how stupid it was To sign up on plenty of fish because a friend told me I should. Still don't know what I was thinking. Many people messaged me, and he was one. I wasn't attracted to him by the picture and the description, but I've always given people a chance and I could always use friends. I was living in Brandon at the time with my friend Shawn. I knew he looked familiar but I couldn't place it. Till he asked if my sister was Kristen, I said yes and then we talked some. We hung out some. And decided to allow him to spend a few days with Shawn and I so we drove out to go get him and spent about a week together. I thought he was the sweetest thing ever. I got my job and everything seemed awesome. He made up a lie about the situation at home and of course I hadn't known this then..So Shawn and I talked and decided to allow him to move in as well, it would help the bills and all that. So he did and he slept on the couch in my room. He would sing to me all the time. And when I was upset comfort me. He was that I thought I had wanted so we started dating. When I think back, maybe I was lonely... Cause there where no butterflies when he kissed me.. there never ever was. But for the moment I was happy.
He made me give up my best friend.. and I did for the most part without a thought... When we moved I got the apartment in my name and was so exciting I had done what I wanted, work was great life was good. We got Our cat and it was so exciting. We spent Christmas together we went to his mothers and slept there and he had gotten me this Jewelery box it was so pretty one of the old styled ones, I was so happy...
He joined a band, I don't remember the month, and he got severely Ill in January, for both our birthdays. We were in and out of the hospital a lot. Then he got better and the band picked up. The first gig he did they were out all night... I stayed up as late as i could and when i woke up to be at work by 7 he was still not home, I called and nothing. So I went to work severely pissed. When I got home he was passed out.. and smelt like beer. I asked him what the hell and he said he was to drunk to come home. which made no sense to me but whatever. The more he was with them the less time he spent with me. It was music and this and that and he spent money god did he spend sooo much money. I remember going to one of his gigs. and I was terrified cause I'd never so much as been to a bar let alone by myself while my boyfriend wouldn't even come near me..He wouldn't touch me wouldn't kiss me hell he talked to me as if I was a friend. When I asked him about it his answer was no one needs to know my personal life, besides it looks bad for the band if the most attractive guy is dating someone, most of our fanbase will be females they want to know they have a chance. I was furious. That started the spiral. Along with the conversation of why he wouldn't have sex with me. I remember that like it was yesterday, I would try and he pushed me away and looked at me and said I'm going to tell you something and don't get upset but I don't like having sex with you, I've never been with a big girl and it's uncomfortable... so I asked.. so your not attracted to me... He said no I am just sex just doesn't work for us, but I love you.. I was in tears.. and he just looked at me like I was so stupid for crying... So I stopped trying. I never wore makeup I didn't want to look cute anymore. So when I started wearing it again when I'd visit Nick I guess he should have known. At first we were friends.. But then when I got the new my sister was in the hospital and I was a wreck i was in tears and I asked him to stay home from his gig he told me now.. so I called Nick and asked to come over and he said yes. He cheered me up we watched some Bleach.. and I cheated on Him... I remember getting dressed asking to us the restroom and just crying trying to stay quiet wiping the tears and coming out.. and we said our goodbyes. I Remember the text from nick saying I think I love you.. I remember my heart stopping and I drove for an hour nowhere just trying till He called and asked me to meet up with him and friends. So I did. And I was ignored.. I was at this table and ignored, while they were drunk. So I made it apoint to talk to Nick more.....I fell for him... And I was thinking of a way to Tell LJ but I didn't know how.. So finally he started screaming at me and I'd never seen that before.. he through something at me and it came so close to hitting me then shattered... so I told him and he screamed and called me names and stole my phone and called nick.....and threatened him then me....
I don't remember that night much I just remember him forcing the phone and told Nick to say it..Then Nick told me he wanted nothing to do with me. And then I remember crying and feeling trapped. I remember my heart ripping and my world shattered to pieces... And LJ trying to be the hero for the first time in months he held me kissed my face and told me it was ok.
I stopped talking to everyone after that day. I had no contact and he was happy. I devoted what I had to him and tried to work on it.. it never got better, we fought constantly and always he would tell me I was a worthless whore.
I remember him having a gig and me getting home from work going to put gas in the car and it wouldn't start again. I remember calling home and getting his cousin asking him to call one of the guys phones cause i was stranded at the gas station and the car wouldn't start at this point i had no cell phone I wasn't allowed. His Cousin called back and told me he said he would be there in about three hours after his gig.. I told him to tell him forget it. I was in tears told the guys there i was leaving the car at the pump and would be back walked out locked my car and started walking home at night in the city. Some older black gentlemen stopped me and offered me a ride and I said fine. At that point I didn't care if I was kidnapped and killed i was so upset. He told me everything would be fine dropped me off and wished me a blessed night. I went inside closed to door and slept. When he got home with his band buddies he tried to act tough and yelled at me for not pushing the car into a parking spot. No I was annoyed. I yelled at him infront of them and asked what kind of man leaves his gf stranded at a gas station at night!
He made me lose my job threatened Cashiers and my Boss so when I came in the next day I was told I let someone use my discount card, which never happened come to find out it was LJs fault. With no job his band mate moved in along with his cousin so four adults in a one bedroom apartment with me the only one cleaning was getting on my nerves.
I resigned my lease only for two weeks later LJ to get into a fight with his band mate and us being forced to leave cause suddenly we couldn't afford it. He made us move in with his aunt and cousins. It was horrible.. it was a nasty.. food would sit out for weeks. Trash would pile inside, and no one would clean. We fought more and more.
Finally it got bad. He'd get more violent more pushy. I remember once being hit in the stomach so hard while I was sleeping I remember waking up in tears screaming and him calmly looking over at me. I didn't think nothing of it at first i figured it was an accident but thinking now, i'm sure it wasn't. Most people who heard the person they love scream would be panicking. He was calm and wouldn't hold me.. i was in so much pain.. I just went back to sleep crying....
I remember leaving once but I came back and i wish i hadn't.
I indulged myself in wow to ignore him to forget he was there. We fought over that two. Anything we could. And he blamed me for the failed relationship. It was my fault for now trying. when my family wouldn't talk to me I was in tears and he blamed me for being an idiot. I don't know the last time he told me I was beautiful. I don't remember him ever getting me anything besides the Jewelery box which I'm sure was his mothers. I felt worthless. I felt disgusting. Helpless. Lost. I was so depressed.
Finally it was horrible. I wasn't allowed on the computer allowed to use the phone. Wasn't allowed anything while he spent all night talking to girls.
I wasn't invited to the fourth of july party with his family. he left me home alone. I read his convos with these girls. I was the ex. He was in love with this girl had kissed this girl recently had said all these horrible things about me and how he wanted her.
we fought.. I was leaving. He spit on me.. pushed me down and held me there. I screamed, screamed so loud.. and no one came to help..... three other adults in that house and no one came to help. He was hurting me, his grip was tight. It hurt I wanted out, I started having a panic attack. I couldn't breath. I felt so hopeless I wanted to leave, i tried to push him away and i was so weak. I screamed and cried and he treated to kill me.. I shut up. He held the knife to me. told me he would. Told me how.. then told me he'd kill himself and he wouldn't care.
The next few weeks were repeats of that.. except he would try and force me to have sex, and we fought over that. I wouldn't let him touch me.
He spit on my a second time.. and I was done. I left.
I found out everything was a lie he had ever told me.
Now dealing with it.. is so hard..
I can't trust I feel vulnerable and I feel like I need to just keep running. I want to fell safe..
and I don't know what to do...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Heart...
Deep breaths, tears fall. It feels like it's been torn.. deep breaths hands clinched, Pain....... So take my heart and leave it.. there on the ground nothing else matters I'm on my own.
This thing called love.. is so Cliche' I wish I could just fade away. Never thinking. I'm deciding to never fall in love again. I refuse to trust anything. There's no reality it this crap.
Everyone in my life has abandoned me in one way or another.. they have smiled to my face and once my back is turned talked crap. They have made promises and left... they have used me for whatever they want.. and i'm so naive I don't even see it..
I hate this feeling. I hate people. I hate the idea of friends, I hate the idea of trusting someone and im starting to think I will never.
This thing called love.. is so Cliche' I wish I could just fade away. Never thinking. I'm deciding to never fall in love again. I refuse to trust anything. There's no reality it this crap.
Everyone in my life has abandoned me in one way or another.. they have smiled to my face and once my back is turned talked crap. They have made promises and left... they have used me for whatever they want.. and i'm so naive I don't even see it..
I hate this feeling. I hate people. I hate the idea of friends, I hate the idea of trusting someone and im starting to think I will never.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sickened...
I never thought I'd have to feel this way. I never thought these emotions would dance in my brain or the reality would be. Why is history repeating itself. Why Does this have to happen... Why can't I trust anyone...
My heart sunk so far in my chest it ached and the memories of what once was happiness now erased. Giving a second chance was a mistake. Maybe it's Jealously.
You did it to me before.. sang your sirens song.. lured them into your trap. Cared not for how anyone else thought, knew no limits. Maybe it shouldn't hurt, but it does. I know the game you play. I know how this works. And I know they'll think you're better, cause that's the game you play.
You spin your web. Once they are there you feast, its just the way you are. I wish I would have known better, wish you apology meant something. Wish I could believe you now.
So what's the game this time? I don't know.. you've already started and I can't think. I just want to cry make it go away. I trusted you and you lied to my face.
So what do I do.. what do I say... I just want the pain to go away
My heart sunk so far in my chest it ached and the memories of what once was happiness now erased. Giving a second chance was a mistake. Maybe it's Jealously.
You did it to me before.. sang your sirens song.. lured them into your trap. Cared not for how anyone else thought, knew no limits. Maybe it shouldn't hurt, but it does. I know the game you play. I know how this works. And I know they'll think you're better, cause that's the game you play.
You spin your web. Once they are there you feast, its just the way you are. I wish I would have known better, wish you apology meant something. Wish I could believe you now.
So what's the game this time? I don't know.. you've already started and I can't think. I just want to cry make it go away. I trusted you and you lied to my face.
So what do I do.. what do I say... I just want the pain to go away
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I have often dreamed of moments in time when everything was peaceful and the overwhelming sense of security filled me. The bliss of knowing for once all was well and I had a place to belong.
For as long as I can remember I have felt so out of place, so wrong, unwanted and just utterly pathetic; like nothing in the world I did would ever, ever be good enough.
I find myself through the glimmering smiles and the laughter falling back into that dark cold place and suddenly I'm unsure of what to do. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but circumstances are what they are and unfortunately I'm emotional and just always worry whether I will be secure.
Feeling that darkness come over you is a feeling like nothing else. You feel like you can't breathe, like you’re a thousand miles under the water and you'll never ever reach the top, knowing you can only hold your breath for so long. Until finally, you drown.
I don't want to feel like I'm drowning. I don't want to feel that hopelessness, staring up seeing the sunlight shimmer knowing there's no way to reach it because it's so far away. Your hand reaches. It’s right there but you can't hold on much longer.
Someone take my hand, before those eyes close and the world is black. Nothing more than black. Empty, silent. Dark.
What's it like when the breath rushes out of soft lips? Bubbles circling spiraling to the surface; they made it. Why couldn't you? Would eyes open and be void? Seeing yet not seeing? The light teasing you, dancing across your face, almost warmth, but alas, you are thousands of feet below. With breathe gone, lips open, eyes wide, and heart stopped, all you see is the emptiness surrounding you, enclosing you. You're engulfed by the force. Stillness.
As you sit in silence thoughts plague your mind. An unending memory, you remember all the times, the laughter, the tears and the pain. You remember feeling so vulnerable. Hopeful. Happy.
Happy. That word fills your brain, circling. You're searching, wanting to know what the word means; you know it. You’ve always known it. So why now, in this emptiness can you not remember?
You continue searching; going through page upon page of memory, discarding some and others you sit and stare at, the words etched into memory. The sadness, tears, and horrible memories, some make you want to give up on this quest. Pain overcomes you as you struggle. Another page, another memory. Pain. Loss, Hopeless. Tears. Another page, frantically searching now. Pain. Tears. Hurt. Fear. Tears. Hopeless. Pain. Fear.
You stop, frustration building. You know you knew what that was once. You know you were happy! Once, you where, right?
Doubt, it settles on you as those empty eyes stare out. Nothingness.
You know you were once, if even for short moments, but nothing stands out.
Still and quiet your mind wonders you contemplate reality. Does this mean it wasn't real? How could that be possible? Isn't there something? Something that meant something, if only for a second. Something.
The sense of loneliness fills you washes over your entire body. You are utterly alone in this darkness. Nothing.
"Breath," You hear the whispers the tickle you ear, but you see and yet do not see, so the clarity is none existent.
"Breath" there it is again. You search but see nothing. Hopeless.
"Take my hand," There in front of you, a strong hand. Reaching but can't reach further, it's up to you. Make the decision. Forget the memories. Reach. Take a chance. Breath.
Hands pressed together, fingers entangled, you are brought to the surface. White. You see nothing but white, and pain, sharp pain as you breathe in for the first time in what felt like forever.
"It's okay," the whisper caresses your ear almost tickling sending shivers along your spine. Eyes focusing finally able to see once again, he's staring at you a smile on his face. His eyes piercing yours, looking deep into your soul. You’re vulnerable; you look away. You can't let them see the pieces shattered, the mind you frantically ripped to pieces to find that word, which memory etched into your brain. Chin lifted, you are caught in his gaze, embarrassed you struggle for composure; you breathe again, sharp pain. Lungs taking in the world. The light plays on your form, warmth, no longer cold, no longer dark. You smile, lips etched with beauty.
Happy. Yes you had moments of that feeling, and for the first time you wish it would settle. You wish to find your "happy".
Grip tightens, clinging. You step forward. You breath.
For as long as I can remember I have felt so out of place, so wrong, unwanted and just utterly pathetic; like nothing in the world I did would ever, ever be good enough.
I find myself through the glimmering smiles and the laughter falling back into that dark cold place and suddenly I'm unsure of what to do. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but circumstances are what they are and unfortunately I'm emotional and just always worry whether I will be secure.
Feeling that darkness come over you is a feeling like nothing else. You feel like you can't breathe, like you’re a thousand miles under the water and you'll never ever reach the top, knowing you can only hold your breath for so long. Until finally, you drown.
I don't want to feel like I'm drowning. I don't want to feel that hopelessness, staring up seeing the sunlight shimmer knowing there's no way to reach it because it's so far away. Your hand reaches. It’s right there but you can't hold on much longer.
Someone take my hand, before those eyes close and the world is black. Nothing more than black. Empty, silent. Dark.
What's it like when the breath rushes out of soft lips? Bubbles circling spiraling to the surface; they made it. Why couldn't you? Would eyes open and be void? Seeing yet not seeing? The light teasing you, dancing across your face, almost warmth, but alas, you are thousands of feet below. With breathe gone, lips open, eyes wide, and heart stopped, all you see is the emptiness surrounding you, enclosing you. You're engulfed by the force. Stillness.
As you sit in silence thoughts plague your mind. An unending memory, you remember all the times, the laughter, the tears and the pain. You remember feeling so vulnerable. Hopeful. Happy.
Happy. That word fills your brain, circling. You're searching, wanting to know what the word means; you know it. You’ve always known it. So why now, in this emptiness can you not remember?
You continue searching; going through page upon page of memory, discarding some and others you sit and stare at, the words etched into memory. The sadness, tears, and horrible memories, some make you want to give up on this quest. Pain overcomes you as you struggle. Another page, another memory. Pain. Loss, Hopeless. Tears. Another page, frantically searching now. Pain. Tears. Hurt. Fear. Tears. Hopeless. Pain. Fear.
You stop, frustration building. You know you knew what that was once. You know you were happy! Once, you where, right?
Doubt, it settles on you as those empty eyes stare out. Nothingness.
You know you were once, if even for short moments, but nothing stands out.
Still and quiet your mind wonders you contemplate reality. Does this mean it wasn't real? How could that be possible? Isn't there something? Something that meant something, if only for a second. Something.
The sense of loneliness fills you washes over your entire body. You are utterly alone in this darkness. Nothing.
"Breath," You hear the whispers the tickle you ear, but you see and yet do not see, so the clarity is none existent.
"Breath" there it is again. You search but see nothing. Hopeless.
"Take my hand," There in front of you, a strong hand. Reaching but can't reach further, it's up to you. Make the decision. Forget the memories. Reach. Take a chance. Breath.
Hands pressed together, fingers entangled, you are brought to the surface. White. You see nothing but white, and pain, sharp pain as you breathe in for the first time in what felt like forever.
"It's okay," the whisper caresses your ear almost tickling sending shivers along your spine. Eyes focusing finally able to see once again, he's staring at you a smile on his face. His eyes piercing yours, looking deep into your soul. You’re vulnerable; you look away. You can't let them see the pieces shattered, the mind you frantically ripped to pieces to find that word, which memory etched into your brain. Chin lifted, you are caught in his gaze, embarrassed you struggle for composure; you breathe again, sharp pain. Lungs taking in the world. The light plays on your form, warmth, no longer cold, no longer dark. You smile, lips etched with beauty.
Happy. Yes you had moments of that feeling, and for the first time you wish it would settle. You wish to find your "happy".
Grip tightens, clinging. You step forward. You breath.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Unwanted.....
Have you ever felt utterly unwanted? Like you sit there and smile and get none back? Have you ever just tried your best and felt like that would never be good enough?
As I sit here I'm starting to think Karma really has it out for me....And I don't even know what to do anymore....
I sleep to much I didn't do this or that.. being in a new town makes me want to cry sometimes.. with no vehicle it makes me even more upset and more reliant on people.
I just wish I could get a break for once.. once in my life I would like something to go right... just once...
I feel selfish and silly or maybe those are the wrong words.. I feel lost and helpless I feel like it'll all crash down on me.... soon.
Nothing's ever good enough for people ever.. and no matter what I do it just makes my life seem more worthless
Letter to a friend:(I guess this sums up my feelings well)
I just want everything to be ok...
I want to feel safe again..
I want to know I have a place to live.. no matter what.
As I sit here I'm starting to think Karma really has it out for me....And I don't even know what to do anymore....
I sleep to much I didn't do this or that.. being in a new town makes me want to cry sometimes.. with no vehicle it makes me even more upset and more reliant on people.
I just wish I could get a break for once.. once in my life I would like something to go right... just once...
I feel selfish and silly or maybe those are the wrong words.. I feel lost and helpless I feel like it'll all crash down on me.... soon.
Nothing's ever good enough for people ever.. and no matter what I do it just makes my life seem more worthless
Letter to a friend:(I guess this sums up my feelings well)
Just everything's a fucking disaster, I should have never moved.. I would have had a fucking job! I would have only had to deal with him for a few months and I would have been ok! I moved here with no job, I owe people money and they always, always seem mad at me no matter what I fucking do.. I've filled in applications all over whether hiring or not and gotten nothing, I've called the CNA dude I did more apps last night I'm trying the best I can! I clean up EVERYTHING so she doesn't have to so she can come home and relax after work! I get up and help Robert with the kids and they aren't mine! I do what I have to do and nothing is fucking good enough and it makes me so fucking mad...
I HATE not having a job I HATE IT I HATE IT! I hate being locked up all day I don't get to see the outside I feel like im fucking drowning... I hate feeling useless and like I'm some lazy pathetic person and I am not! I want a job!
So they seem so mad at me and called EVERYONE in the world to find someone to watch the kids and NEVER asked me.. never... instead got more pissy and packed the kid bag and left slamming the door..
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO! what!
I just want everything to be ok...
I want to feel safe again..
I want to know I have a place to live.. no matter what.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Laughter (n): When a Smile has an Orgasm.
In life, the small things are forgotten.. We forget how easy and fulfilling a smile is.... we forget how free we feel when laughter escapes the lips and caresses the ears of those around us...
the purity of reality.. the warmth that flows from ourselves as we come into perspective of what it really means to feel alive. To open eyes and view around you the beauty of every detail... so take a deep breath and smile to yourself your mind twirling on a high....
To take for granted the small things.... is to never know how to appreciate the big things...
Being away from there has been thrilling, for the first time in a long while I can honestly say I am Happy... completely utterly.. happy...Not saying there couldn't be more things to fill my life cause there could.. A job! But everything's so amazing right now.. I can laugh and smile... I have two people I love to death I get to spend time with and get to be around.. I get to talk to my friends again!
I get to talk to my friends!!! It's amazing.. :D
The small things never seemed to matter... and when you finally sit back you realize a lot...
For starters.. almost three years of my life was a complete lie.. and the fact that it hardly bothers me is weird.. in fact it's a relief to know that everything was just some story made up in someone head.. makes me know.. I wasn't this horrible person ever... Now reality is it does bother me.. My life was lies... for three years! But it's over and now is what matters! Also... I didn't laugh the way I used to for almost that length of time. I didn't enjoy life.... my life was controlled and I will NEVER give up that freedom ever again!
My next post I'm going to actually open up and write what's happened.. I think I need to do that.....
the purity of reality.. the warmth that flows from ourselves as we come into perspective of what it really means to feel alive. To open eyes and view around you the beauty of every detail... so take a deep breath and smile to yourself your mind twirling on a high....
To take for granted the small things.... is to never know how to appreciate the big things...
Being away from there has been thrilling, for the first time in a long while I can honestly say I am Happy... completely utterly.. happy...Not saying there couldn't be more things to fill my life cause there could.. A job! But everything's so amazing right now.. I can laugh and smile... I have two people I love to death I get to spend time with and get to be around.. I get to talk to my friends again!
I get to talk to my friends!!! It's amazing.. :D
The small things never seemed to matter... and when you finally sit back you realize a lot...
For starters.. almost three years of my life was a complete lie.. and the fact that it hardly bothers me is weird.. in fact it's a relief to know that everything was just some story made up in someone head.. makes me know.. I wasn't this horrible person ever... Now reality is it does bother me.. My life was lies... for three years! But it's over and now is what matters! Also... I didn't laugh the way I used to for almost that length of time. I didn't enjoy life.... my life was controlled and I will NEVER give up that freedom ever again!
My next post I'm going to actually open up and write what's happened.. I think I need to do that.....
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Confusion of relief...
Sitting and wondering the world is a deep mystery that is insanely beautiful, each no road, each new chapter is carefully written so that we can move forward and learn from each disaster... Each mistake..
We feel emotions some stronger then others, the intensity is determined on the person. Each moment in life effects one person more then the other and instantly we wonder how will we ever make it through life..
With one foot in front of the other, small steps... Deep breaths.. Everything will fall into place. Opportunities come once in a life time and when the time comes its foolish to not take.
In life I have realized a few things..
*Some peoples lives are easier then others.
*Depression is a strong strong emotion that is scarier then most people would ever think: It rearranges your life to nothingness..
I have never felt that way in my life, every teenager has there bouts of depression but this was bad.... I didn't want to be awake... I had to fight with myself to shower, One cause I was so depressed and two because... The bathroom was disgusting. I had to fight with myself to try and be ok... I had no emotions I just wanted to ignore the world and everything in it.... I was struggling to be ok, I literally could feel my sanity slipping away.. and this scared me. I would think of ways to kill myself and no like the Sweet east ways if you can call them that.. I wanted to shove a knife through my stomach and twist it... I was in so much pain...I Didn't know how to deal with it or what to do....
*I am a good person: I will NOT allow someone to tell me otherwise. I have my flaws, this I know.. but I am a good person, I care deeply for my friends, I love to laugh and I would give the world to see someone happy... No one in my life will ever, I mean EVER tell me I am not a good person ever again....
*Family will NOT always be there for you: In coming months this is something I've had to struggle with... knowing that they will not always be there or even care for that matter... I do not know what I ever did and probably will not, but I can't keep caring for people who care nothing for me.. and to know my parents would rather me on the street then safe makes me sooo mad.. so mad..
*There has to be limitations to what you are willing to deal with: Most people will do anything for love.. and that is were we get hurt... I will never allow myself to be in this situation ever again in my life...
*Despite what some may think.. There ARE several types of abuse: And no Woman nor man should EVER have to deal with that...
*I have some Amazing friends: I don't think we realize how good people are till something bad happens, I wont take my friendships for granted ever again... And I am so so thankful for having them in my life.
*A 18 hour bus trip Gives you a LOT of time to think:And I have never felt so free in my life.. A great burden was taken off my shoulders and the further away from Florida I got the stronger the feeling was and god it was AMAZING!
I'm sure there are others and I will try to keep writing..
For now I know I feel really lost, and I feel like a burden or that its very awkward for Robert to have me here.. and I guess that's understandable..
I know everything will be great... baby steps and deep breaths..
I can be strong!
We feel emotions some stronger then others, the intensity is determined on the person. Each moment in life effects one person more then the other and instantly we wonder how will we ever make it through life..
With one foot in front of the other, small steps... Deep breaths.. Everything will fall into place. Opportunities come once in a life time and when the time comes its foolish to not take.
In life I have realized a few things..
*Some peoples lives are easier then others.
*Depression is a strong strong emotion that is scarier then most people would ever think: It rearranges your life to nothingness..
I have never felt that way in my life, every teenager has there bouts of depression but this was bad.... I didn't want to be awake... I had to fight with myself to shower, One cause I was so depressed and two because... The bathroom was disgusting. I had to fight with myself to try and be ok... I had no emotions I just wanted to ignore the world and everything in it.... I was struggling to be ok, I literally could feel my sanity slipping away.. and this scared me. I would think of ways to kill myself and no like the Sweet east ways if you can call them that.. I wanted to shove a knife through my stomach and twist it... I was in so much pain...I Didn't know how to deal with it or what to do....
*I am a good person: I will NOT allow someone to tell me otherwise. I have my flaws, this I know.. but I am a good person, I care deeply for my friends, I love to laugh and I would give the world to see someone happy... No one in my life will ever, I mean EVER tell me I am not a good person ever again....
*Family will NOT always be there for you: In coming months this is something I've had to struggle with... knowing that they will not always be there or even care for that matter... I do not know what I ever did and probably will not, but I can't keep caring for people who care nothing for me.. and to know my parents would rather me on the street then safe makes me sooo mad.. so mad..
*There has to be limitations to what you are willing to deal with: Most people will do anything for love.. and that is were we get hurt... I will never allow myself to be in this situation ever again in my life...
*Despite what some may think.. There ARE several types of abuse: And no Woman nor man should EVER have to deal with that...
*I have some Amazing friends: I don't think we realize how good people are till something bad happens, I wont take my friendships for granted ever again... And I am so so thankful for having them in my life.
*A 18 hour bus trip Gives you a LOT of time to think:And I have never felt so free in my life.. A great burden was taken off my shoulders and the further away from Florida I got the stronger the feeling was and god it was AMAZING!
I'm sure there are others and I will try to keep writing..
For now I know I feel really lost, and I feel like a burden or that its very awkward for Robert to have me here.. and I guess that's understandable..
I know everything will be great... baby steps and deep breaths..
I can be strong!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Emotionless...
A disaster of obviousness, an illusion of purity...
I used to write like clockwork... I used to write everything cause I was so afraid of never remembering anything... And as silly as that sounds, it's awfully true. I forget things from my past, people who once effected me.... unless I still speak with them, i don't remember them or what they look like.. nothing.
Over the resent parts of my life, I have failed, in ways I wish never happened.
In the almost frantic want to be independent I mad a mess of everything... I wanted to be self sufficient and in that frantic moment, I became dysfunctional....I can't think.. its hard to breath.. I've learned to shut of my emotions almost to the point of not being "there". I so frantically want to escape it... I do... I leave what most people call consciousness and fade into nothingness, an emotionless state... I avoid conflict, it disappears..
I found myself in a state of wanting to be loved but in the reality not knowing how to love, and so I turned into hatred, I hated life, and people.. and everything.. Now these are my faults, I know them, I also know that there is something unbalanced in me, and as much as I'd like to not admit it, I have to. I am mentally sick, in same way shape or form.. and I do not know what it is, and know soon I need to take care of it.
I do know that ontop of the me issues, there are reality issues within life that contribute to this "sickness" I suppose feeds off what is there to transform it into disaster.
With the news of being disowned by family, my head has spiraled into this loneliness.. I can't grasp anything.. I feel so alone, knowing no one is there for me.. and instinctively I want to search out people to fill the voids of loneliness but I can not. I know this would be destructive for my especially in this fragile moment.
So, What do I do?
Build. I have to reform life, make changes to things.. Know that.. I do not need them, I need me. Nothing more. I am what I need...I need to re-create my life.. Make myself functional once again.
So, should I list my faults and piece together the knowledge that these faults exist?
I wish I knew a way to make myself better. But I can not have someone be an enabler. I can not..
First built on self esteem.. Let's focus one moment at a time. I'm not sure how to work on this.
One step at a time...
One breath at a time....
Keep smiling...
I used to write like clockwork... I used to write everything cause I was so afraid of never remembering anything... And as silly as that sounds, it's awfully true. I forget things from my past, people who once effected me.... unless I still speak with them, i don't remember them or what they look like.. nothing.
Over the resent parts of my life, I have failed, in ways I wish never happened.
In the almost frantic want to be independent I mad a mess of everything... I wanted to be self sufficient and in that frantic moment, I became dysfunctional....I can't think.. its hard to breath.. I've learned to shut of my emotions almost to the point of not being "there". I so frantically want to escape it... I do... I leave what most people call consciousness and fade into nothingness, an emotionless state... I avoid conflict, it disappears..
I found myself in a state of wanting to be loved but in the reality not knowing how to love, and so I turned into hatred, I hated life, and people.. and everything.. Now these are my faults, I know them, I also know that there is something unbalanced in me, and as much as I'd like to not admit it, I have to. I am mentally sick, in same way shape or form.. and I do not know what it is, and know soon I need to take care of it.
I do know that ontop of the me issues, there are reality issues within life that contribute to this "sickness" I suppose feeds off what is there to transform it into disaster.
With the news of being disowned by family, my head has spiraled into this loneliness.. I can't grasp anything.. I feel so alone, knowing no one is there for me.. and instinctively I want to search out people to fill the voids of loneliness but I can not. I know this would be destructive for my especially in this fragile moment.
So, What do I do?
Build. I have to reform life, make changes to things.. Know that.. I do not need them, I need me. Nothing more. I am what I need...I need to re-create my life.. Make myself functional once again.
So, should I list my faults and piece together the knowledge that these faults exist?
I wish I knew a way to make myself better. But I can not have someone be an enabler. I can not..
First built on self esteem.. Let's focus one moment at a time. I'm not sure how to work on this.
One step at a time...
One breath at a time....
Keep smiling...
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