You stop and think and what what the best method is in order to "fix" yourself. After people telling you one thing, others telling you another...and then your own loud voice screaming in your head.. the confusion is all to real.

You try to pretend smile and laugh. You talk about it like it doesn't matter. You wonder what's the best method. But you really don't know. So now reality hits you in the face and you wonder what should you do now.

I hadn't talked about it..I've been to afraid I guess.. Because writing here means it actually happened instead of ignoring it and pretending I am fine. So what is making me throw up on this canvas now?

I went to the Health unit yesterday to fix the menstrual issue I have been having since I can't remember when. When the Nurse came in that was to my exam she had asked why I moved to Louisiana from Florida. So I looked at her and smiled telling her I was in a bad situation and needed a fresh start with a soft laugh at the end. She looked at me then with such sadness and said.. you were abused weren't you. I was off guard I looked at her and nodded trying to force the smile.. I wanted to be ok. So she asked if he hit me.. and I said not that I recall really just pushed me and spit on me nothing horrible I guess. So she did the exam and as I sat up she looked at me and asked if I wanted to talk to someone because the social worker was there that day. I shook my head as tears fell. No I didn't. And this darling old lady looked at me and said, well you don't have to talk just let her give you some information for when you do decide, it would mean a lot to me. So I nodded. Got dressed and went to meet the social worker. Sitting there was awkward, she started asking questions and I would meekly answer. She asked if I was depressed finally and I looked at her then away and though for a moment. I told her I wasn't sure, but probably. I know I've been growing more and more unsocial and it's worrying my roommates some. So with some references and her number I now have numbers to woman shelters mental health clinics and her personal number if I choose to talk....

No yesterday I was so exhausted tired and in pain I just never thought much of it. Today there's papers all over the futon tabs up on abuse, depression, so on so forth I'm wondering what the best method is. I'm also wondering if I do decide.. how do I talk to Marissa and Robert about this.. and let them know.. I'm Not okay...

I think what's in order is for people to know what I've been through and despite my wishes maybe it's best to allow people to read this.. just this. Maybe if people read and understood maybe they would understand me a little more?

So When I first meet him he was a "friend" of my sisters which I thought nothing of my sister had a lot of those and she was four years older then I So nothing came to mind. I was like 11 and they were probably 14-15. I Remember him talking to me a lot. Then I remember him not being around. I decided despite how stupid it was To sign up on plenty of fish because a friend told me I should. Still don't know what I was thinking. Many people messaged me, and he was one. I wasn't attracted to him by the picture and the description, but I've always given people a chance and I could always use friends. I was living in Brandon at the time with my friend Shawn. I knew he looked familiar but I couldn't place it. Till he asked if my sister was Kristen, I said yes and then we talked some. We hung out some. And decided to allow him to spend a few days with Shawn and I so we drove out to go get him and spent about a week together. I thought he was the sweetest thing ever. I got my job and everything seemed awesome. He made up a lie about the situation at home and of course I hadn't known this then..So Shawn and I talked and decided to allow him to move in as well, it would help the bills and all that. So he did and he slept on the couch in my room. He would sing to me all the time. And when I was upset comfort me. He was that I thought I had wanted so we started dating. When I think back, maybe I was lonely... Cause there where no butterflies when he kissed me.. there never ever was. But for the moment I was happy.

He made me give up my best friend.. and I did for the most part without a thought... When we moved I got the apartment in my name and was so exciting I had done what I wanted, work was great life was good. We got Our cat and it was so exciting. We spent Christmas together we went to his mothers and slept there and he had gotten me this Jewelery box it was so pretty one of the old styled ones, I was so happy...
He joined a band, I don't remember the month, and he got severely Ill in January, for both our birthdays. We were in and out of the hospital a lot. Then he got better and the band picked up. The first gig he did they were out all night... I stayed up as late as i could and when i woke up to be at work by 7 he was still not home, I called and nothing. So I went to work severely pissed. When I got home he was passed out.. and smelt like beer. I asked him what the hell and he said he was to drunk to come home. which made no sense to me but whatever. The more he was with them the less time he spent with me. It was music and this and that and he spent money god did he spend sooo much money. I remember going to one of his gigs. and I was terrified cause I'd never so much as been to a bar let alone by myself while my boyfriend wouldn't even come near me..He wouldn't touch me wouldn't kiss me hell he talked to me as if I was a friend. When I asked him about it his answer was no one needs to know my personal life, besides it looks bad for the band if the most attractive guy is dating someone, most of our fanbase will be females they want to know they have a chance. I was furious. That started the spiral. Along with the conversation of why he wouldn't have sex with me. I remember that like it was yesterday, I would try and he pushed me away and looked at me and said I'm going to tell you something and don't get upset but I don't like having sex with you, I've never been with a big girl and it's uncomfortable... so I asked.. so your not attracted to me... He said no I am just sex just doesn't work for us, but I love you.. I was in tears.. and he just looked at me like I was so stupid for crying... So I stopped trying. I never wore makeup I didn't want to look cute anymore. So when I started wearing it again when I'd visit Nick I guess he should have known. At first we were friends.. But then when I got the new my sister was in the hospital and I was a wreck i was in tears and I asked him to stay home from his gig he told me now.. so I called Nick and asked to come over and he said yes. He cheered me up we watched some Bleach.. and I cheated on Him... I remember getting dressed asking to us the restroom and just crying trying to stay quiet wiping the tears and coming out.. and we said our goodbyes. I Remember the text from nick saying I think I love you.. I remember my heart stopping and I drove for an hour nowhere just trying till He called and asked me to meet up with him and friends. So I did. And I was ignored.. I was at this table and ignored, while they were drunk. So I made it apoint to talk to Nick more.....I fell for him... And I was thinking of a way to Tell LJ but I didn't know how.. So finally he started screaming at me and I'd never seen that before.. he through something at me and it came so close to hitting me then shattered... so I told him and he screamed and called me names and stole my phone and called nick.....and threatened him then me....
I don't remember that night much I just remember him forcing the phone and told Nick to say it..Then Nick told me he wanted nothing to do with me. And then I remember crying and feeling trapped. I remember my heart ripping and my world shattered to pieces... And LJ trying to be the hero for the first time in months he held me kissed my face and told me it was ok.

I stopped talking to everyone after that day. I had no contact and he was happy. I devoted what I had to him and tried to work on it.. it never got better, we fought constantly and always he would tell me I was a worthless whore.
I remember him having a gig and me getting home from work going to put gas in the car and it wouldn't start again. I remember calling home and getting his cousin asking him to call one of the guys phones cause i was stranded at the gas station and the car wouldn't start at this point i had no cell phone I wasn't allowed. His Cousin called back and told me he said he would be there in about three hours after his gig.. I told him to tell him forget it. I was in tears told the guys there i was leaving the car at the pump and would be back walked out locked my car and started walking home at night in the city. Some older black gentlemen stopped me and offered me a ride and I said fine. At that point I didn't care if I was kidnapped and killed i was so upset. He told me everything would be fine dropped me off and wished me a blessed night. I went inside closed to door and slept. When he got home with his band buddies he tried to act tough and yelled at me for not pushing the car into a parking spot. No I was annoyed. I yelled at him infront of them and asked what kind of man leaves his gf stranded at a gas station at night!

He made me lose my job threatened Cashiers and my Boss so when I came in the next day I was told I let someone use my discount card, which never happened come to find out it was LJs fault. With no job his band mate moved in along with his cousin so four adults in a one bedroom apartment with me the only one cleaning was getting on my nerves.

I resigned my lease only for two weeks later LJ to get into a fight with his band mate and us being forced to leave cause suddenly we couldn't afford it. He made us move in with his aunt and cousins. It was horrible.. it was a nasty.. food would sit out for weeks. Trash would pile inside, and no one would clean. We fought more and more.

Finally it got bad. He'd get more violent more pushy. I remember once being hit in the stomach so hard while I was sleeping I remember waking up in tears screaming and him calmly looking over at me. I didn't think nothing of it at first i figured it was an accident but thinking now, i'm sure it wasn't. Most people who heard the person they love scream would be panicking. He was calm and wouldn't hold me.. i was in so much pain.. I just went back to sleep crying....

I remember leaving once but I came back and i wish i hadn't.
I indulged myself in wow to ignore him to forget he was there. We fought over that two. Anything we could. And he blamed me for the failed relationship. It was my fault for now trying. when my family wouldn't talk to me I was in tears and he blamed me for being an idiot. I don't know the last time he told me I was beautiful. I don't remember him ever getting me anything besides the Jewelery box which I'm sure was his mothers. I felt worthless. I felt disgusting. Helpless. Lost. I was so depressed.

Finally it was horrible. I wasn't allowed on the computer allowed to use the phone. Wasn't allowed anything while he spent all night talking to girls.

I wasn't invited to the fourth of july party with his family. he left me home alone. I read his convos with these girls. I was the ex. He was in love with this girl had kissed this girl recently had said all these horrible things about me and how he wanted her.

we fought.. I was leaving. He spit on me.. pushed me down and held me there. I screamed, screamed so loud.. and no one came to help..... three other adults in that house and no one came to help. He was hurting me, his grip was tight. It hurt I wanted out, I started having a panic attack. I couldn't breath. I felt so hopeless I wanted to leave, i tried to push him away and i was so weak. I screamed and cried and he treated to kill me.. I shut up. He held the knife to me. told me he would. Told me how.. then told me he'd kill himself and he wouldn't care.

The next few weeks were repeats of that.. except he would try and force me to have sex, and we fought over that. I wouldn't let him touch me.

He spit on my a second time.. and I was done. I left.

I found out everything was a lie he had ever told me.
Now dealing with it.. is so hard..

I can't trust I feel vulnerable and I feel like I need to just keep running. I want to fell safe..

and I don't know what to do...