Heart...

Deep breaths, tears fall. It feels like it's been torn.. deep breaths hands clinched, Pain....... So take my heart and leave it.. there on the ground nothing else matters I'm on my own.

This thing called love.. is so Cliche' I wish I could just fade away. Never thinking. I'm deciding to never fall in love again. I refuse to trust anything. There's no reality it this crap.

Everyone in my life has abandoned me in one way or another.. they have smiled to my face and once my back is turned talked crap. They have made promises and left... they have used me for whatever they want.. and i'm so naive I don't even see it..

I hate this feeling. I hate people. I hate the idea of friends, I hate the idea of trusting someone and im starting to think I will never.

Sickened...

I never thought I'd have to feel this way. I never thought these emotions would dance in my brain or the reality would be. Why is history repeating itself. Why Does this have to happen... Why can't I trust anyone...

My heart sunk so far in my chest it ached and the memories of what once was happiness now erased. Giving a second chance was a mistake. Maybe it's Jealously.

You did it to me before.. sang your sirens song.. lured them into your trap. Cared not for how anyone else thought, knew no limits. Maybe it shouldn't hurt, but it does. I know the game you play. I know how this works. And I know they'll think you're better, cause that's the game you play.

You spin your web. Once they are there you feast, its just the way you are. I wish I would have known better, wish you apology meant something. Wish I could believe you now.

So what's the game this time? I don't know.. you've already started and I can't think. I just want to cry make it go away. I trusted you and you lied to my face.

So what do I do.. what do I say... I just want the pain to go away

I have often dreamed of moments in time when everything was peaceful and the overwhelming sense of security filled me. The bliss of knowing for once all was well and I had a place to belong.

For as long as I can remember I have felt so out of place, so wrong, unwanted and just utterly pathetic; like nothing in the world I did would ever, ever be good enough.

I find myself through the glimmering smiles and the laughter falling back into that dark cold place and suddenly I'm unsure of what to do. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but circumstances are what they are and unfortunately I'm emotional and just always worry whether I will be secure.

Feeling that darkness come over you is a feeling like nothing else. You feel like you can't breathe, like you’re a thousand miles under the water and you'll never ever reach the top, knowing you can only hold your breath for so long. Until finally, you drown.

I don't want to feel like I'm drowning. I don't want to feel that hopelessness, staring up seeing the sunlight shimmer knowing there's no way to reach it because it's so far away. Your hand reaches. It’s right there but you can't hold on much longer.
Someone take my hand, before those eyes close and the world is black. Nothing more than black. Empty, silent. Dark.

What's it like when the breath rushes out of soft lips? Bubbles circling spiraling to the surface; they made it. Why couldn't you? Would eyes open and be void? Seeing yet not seeing? The light teasing you, dancing across your face, almost warmth, but alas, you are thousands of feet below. With breathe gone, lips open, eyes wide, and heart stopped, all you see is the emptiness surrounding you, enclosing you. You're engulfed by the force. Stillness.

As you sit in silence thoughts plague your mind. An unending memory, you remember all the times, the laughter, the tears and the pain. You remember feeling so vulnerable. Hopeful. Happy.

Happy. That word fills your brain, circling. You're searching, wanting to know what the word means; you know it. You’ve always known it. So why now, in this emptiness can you not remember?

You continue searching; going through page upon page of memory, discarding some and others you sit and stare at, the words etched into memory. The sadness, tears, and horrible memories, some make you want to give up on this quest. Pain overcomes you as you struggle. Another page, another memory. Pain. Loss, Hopeless. Tears. Another page, frantically searching now. Pain. Tears. Hurt. Fear. Tears. Hopeless. Pain. Fear.

You stop, frustration building. You know you knew what that was once. You know you were happy! Once, you where, right?

Doubt, it settles on you as those empty eyes stare out. Nothingness.
You know you were once, if even for short moments, but nothing stands out.

Still and quiet your mind wonders you contemplate reality. Does this mean it wasn't real? How could that be possible? Isn't there something? Something that meant something, if only for a second. Something.

The sense of loneliness fills you washes over your entire body. You are utterly alone in this darkness. Nothing.

"Breath," You hear the whispers the tickle you ear, but you see and yet do not see, so the clarity is none existent.

"Breath" there it is again. You search but see nothing. Hopeless.

"Take my hand," There in front of you, a strong hand. Reaching but can't reach further, it's up to you. Make the decision. Forget the memories. Reach. Take a chance. Breath.

Hands pressed together, fingers entangled, you are brought to the surface. White. You see nothing but white, and pain, sharp pain as you breathe in for the first time in what felt like forever.

"It's okay," the whisper caresses your ear almost tickling sending shivers along your spine. Eyes focusing finally able to see once again, he's staring at you a smile on his face. His eyes piercing yours, looking deep into your soul. You’re vulnerable; you look away. You can't let them see the pieces shattered, the mind you frantically ripped to pieces to find that word, which memory etched into your brain. Chin lifted, you are caught in his gaze, embarrassed you struggle for composure; you breathe again, sharp pain. Lungs taking in the world. The light plays on your form, warmth, no longer cold, no longer dark. You smile, lips etched with beauty.

Happy. Yes you had moments of that feeling, and for the first time you wish it would settle. You wish to find your "happy".

Grip tightens, clinging. You step forward. You breath.

Unwanted.....

Have you ever felt utterly unwanted? Like you sit there and smile and get none back? Have you ever just tried your best and felt like that would never be good enough?


As I sit here I'm starting to think Karma really has it out for me....And I don't even know what to do anymore....
I sleep to much I didn't do this or that.. being in a new town makes me want to cry sometimes.. with no vehicle it makes me even more upset and more reliant on people.


I just wish I could get a break for once.. once in my life I would like something to go right... just once...

I feel selfish and silly or maybe those are the wrong words.. I feel lost and helpless I feel like it'll all crash down on me.... soon.

Nothing's ever good enough for people ever.. and no matter what I do it just makes my life seem more worthless
Letter to a friend:(I guess this sums up my feelings well)

Just everything's a fucking disaster, I should have never moved.. I would have had a fucking job! I would have only had to deal with him for a few months and I would have been ok! I moved here with no job, I owe people money and they always, always seem mad at me no matter what I fucking do.. I've filled in applications all over whether hiring or not and gotten nothing, I've called the CNA dude I did more apps last night I'm trying the best I can! I clean up EVERYTHING so she doesn't have to so she can come home and relax after work! I get up and help Robert with the kids and they aren't mine! I do what I have to do and nothing is fucking good enough and it makes me so fucking mad...

I HATE not having a job I HATE IT I HATE IT! I hate being locked up all day I don't get to see the outside I feel like im fucking drowning... I hate feeling useless and like I'm some lazy pathetic person and I am not! I want a job!

So they seem so mad at me and called EVERYONE in the world to find someone to watch the kids and NEVER asked me.. never... instead got more pissy and packed the kid bag and left slamming the door..

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO! what!

I just want everything to be ok...
I want to feel safe again..

I want to know I have a place to live.. no matter what.

Laughter (n): When a Smile has an Orgasm.

In life, the small things are forgotten.. We forget how easy and fulfilling a smile is.... we forget how free we feel when laughter escapes the lips and caresses the ears of those around us...

the purity of reality.. the warmth that flows from ourselves as we come into perspective of what it really means to feel alive. To open eyes and view around you the beauty of every detail... so take a deep breath and smile to yourself your mind twirling on a high....

To take for granted the small things.... is to never know how to appreciate the big things...

Being away from there has been thrilling, for the first time in a long while I can honestly say I am Happy... completely utterly.. happy...Not saying there couldn't be more things to fill my life cause there could.. A job! But everything's so amazing right now.. I can laugh and smile... I have two people I love to death I get to spend time with and get to be around.. I get to talk to my friends again!

I get to talk to my friends!!! It's amazing.. :D
The small things never seemed to matter... and when you finally sit back you realize a lot...

For starters.. almost three years of my life was a complete lie.. and the fact that it hardly bothers me is weird.. in fact it's a relief to know that everything was just some story made up in someone head.. makes me know.. I wasn't this horrible person ever... Now reality is it does bother me.. My life was lies... for three years! But it's over and now is what matters! Also... I didn't laugh the way I used to for almost that length of time. I didn't enjoy life.... my life was controlled and I will NEVER give up that freedom ever again!

My next post I'm going to actually open up and write what's happened.. I think I need to do that.....