I have often dreamed of moments in time when everything was peaceful and the overwhelming sense of security filled me. The bliss of knowing for once all was well and I had a place to belong.

For as long as I can remember I have felt so out of place, so wrong, unwanted and just utterly pathetic; like nothing in the world I did would ever, ever be good enough.

I find myself through the glimmering smiles and the laughter falling back into that dark cold place and suddenly I'm unsure of what to do. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but circumstances are what they are and unfortunately I'm emotional and just always worry whether I will be secure.

Feeling that darkness come over you is a feeling like nothing else. You feel like you can't breathe, like you’re a thousand miles under the water and you'll never ever reach the top, knowing you can only hold your breath for so long. Until finally, you drown.

I don't want to feel like I'm drowning. I don't want to feel that hopelessness, staring up seeing the sunlight shimmer knowing there's no way to reach it because it's so far away. Your hand reaches. It’s right there but you can't hold on much longer.
Someone take my hand, before those eyes close and the world is black. Nothing more than black. Empty, silent. Dark.

What's it like when the breath rushes out of soft lips? Bubbles circling spiraling to the surface; they made it. Why couldn't you? Would eyes open and be void? Seeing yet not seeing? The light teasing you, dancing across your face, almost warmth, but alas, you are thousands of feet below. With breathe gone, lips open, eyes wide, and heart stopped, all you see is the emptiness surrounding you, enclosing you. You're engulfed by the force. Stillness.

As you sit in silence thoughts plague your mind. An unending memory, you remember all the times, the laughter, the tears and the pain. You remember feeling so vulnerable. Hopeful. Happy.

Happy. That word fills your brain, circling. You're searching, wanting to know what the word means; you know it. You’ve always known it. So why now, in this emptiness can you not remember?

You continue searching; going through page upon page of memory, discarding some and others you sit and stare at, the words etched into memory. The sadness, tears, and horrible memories, some make you want to give up on this quest. Pain overcomes you as you struggle. Another page, another memory. Pain. Loss, Hopeless. Tears. Another page, frantically searching now. Pain. Tears. Hurt. Fear. Tears. Hopeless. Pain. Fear.

You stop, frustration building. You know you knew what that was once. You know you were happy! Once, you where, right?

Doubt, it settles on you as those empty eyes stare out. Nothingness.
You know you were once, if even for short moments, but nothing stands out.

Still and quiet your mind wonders you contemplate reality. Does this mean it wasn't real? How could that be possible? Isn't there something? Something that meant something, if only for a second. Something.

The sense of loneliness fills you washes over your entire body. You are utterly alone in this darkness. Nothing.

"Breath," You hear the whispers the tickle you ear, but you see and yet do not see, so the clarity is none existent.

"Breath" there it is again. You search but see nothing. Hopeless.

"Take my hand," There in front of you, a strong hand. Reaching but can't reach further, it's up to you. Make the decision. Forget the memories. Reach. Take a chance. Breath.

Hands pressed together, fingers entangled, you are brought to the surface. White. You see nothing but white, and pain, sharp pain as you breathe in for the first time in what felt like forever.

"It's okay," the whisper caresses your ear almost tickling sending shivers along your spine. Eyes focusing finally able to see once again, he's staring at you a smile on his face. His eyes piercing yours, looking deep into your soul. You’re vulnerable; you look away. You can't let them see the pieces shattered, the mind you frantically ripped to pieces to find that word, which memory etched into your brain. Chin lifted, you are caught in his gaze, embarrassed you struggle for composure; you breathe again, sharp pain. Lungs taking in the world. The light plays on your form, warmth, no longer cold, no longer dark. You smile, lips etched with beauty.

Happy. Yes you had moments of that feeling, and for the first time you wish it would settle. You wish to find your "happy".

Grip tightens, clinging. You step forward. You breath.