Spiraling Disaster....

I feel like nothings going right. I feel like I'm losing everything. Like, all my accomplishments are ruined. No matter what I do it seems to not matter. I feel like I'm failing at life.

Things were smooth for awhile.. And then this Job thing had me all over the place in emotions. I was excited cause I was almost sure I would get it. I mean I was told I would at one point and then all of a sudden we have to do interviews. Then ontop of that I happen to be friends with the person who's being investigated.. Figures. I didn't get the job. Everything spiraled then. Everything I was holding onto. I felt like it was unfair and that I should have had it. Not that the person who got it is a bad person, it just pissed me off.. Ontop of that the idiot of my store got manager at the other store I can't work at.. It's nice to know idiots get promoted and the people who bust ass don't get anything.

From here it's been none stop fighting. All we do is fight it seems. I feels like he wants nothing to do with me. I feel as if I spend a lot of time by myself.. I think I've spent more time with his sister then him. It feels like asking simple things are like this ungodly thing. I wish if he didn't want to spend time with me he would just say so. I don't understand. Maybe I'm just to hard to deal with or something. I just want attention.. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating. I just want to be able to breath again. I'm so depressed. Soo depressed. I don't think I can shake it this time. Nothings going okay.... I feel like this isn't going to last. I feel like I shouldn't be with anyone. To much stress. I just want to lock myself away. I can't deal with it anymore. Everything's irritating. I can't think. I don't want to do anything. Just sleep it all away.... Meh.

"No Day, But Today..."

A lot has been going on, I often don't find time to write or try and even sort my thoughts... I know I haven't written since my b-day which is almost two months ago...

I got a new job, and for once I'm truly happy with almost everything. I love my job and it might not seem like much to some people. I know this. I do enjoy it, and I enjoy waking up to go to work now.I like the people I work with and for once I feel like I'm important and valuable to someone.

Valentines has come and gone. It was amazing. And I can't even being to Thank Chris enough for everything he does for me, he is the most amazing guy I have ever met, and I love how perfect we are together. I wouldn't trade him for anything. I can't believe how happy I am....

I feel brighter, like I'm this brilliant light. I smile more, I'm just completely happy for the first time in my life, and I only hope he feels the same.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very frustrated with some of the things going on but all in all nothing really brings me down to far....

I've been thinking about my family a lot... I don't know why. More or less I guess I just wonder what they think. Like I've come so far and no one can say a word to me or anything. I don't know. I shouldn't dwell on it so much. *sighs* All in all everything is well... Life is good. I live in today. It's a good process..:D

Birthday....

This melody dances, bringing her to her knees. Strength isn't with her today. No longer can she hold her head high. The sadness overwhelms her. This darkness is no comfort.


I'm feeling out of sorts. Today is my birthday. It has never been this cheerful thing. Each year it's something. Somehow. My will breaks and I'm just this mess. It probably doesn't help my hormones are all over the place or that my jaw is in intense pain because of these stupid wisdom teeth. So all in all I am this horrible stupid mess.

I'm still having nightmares. I'm not sure if I ever wrote this. Ever since I left FL I've been having them. I'm almost terrified that he'll find me, or come looking for me. Or somehow send me a message. And I prey he doesn't. A lot of them are about taking him to court and others are him finding me. They are getting worse and worse and more violent. It plagues me. I wish they would leave. I've tried to find a way to cope. I joke with Chris a lot like it brings comfort to just get memories out of my head. Like it's a medicine. But it apparently Bothers him. So Now I'm trying to just keep everything inside. He made it sound like I talked of him as if i was in love with him. Which hurt.. so much. I'm in pain emotionally because of this person. I have nightmares and I struggle to keep myself ok. There are times he will touch me in my sleep and I wake up scared to death till I hear his voice and know I'm okay.... I don't know.

I hate the inconsideration. People are so selfish, it's about them and no one else. Sometimes it just gets to me a lot. I just wish they weren't so selfish. I feel helpless, like I try and keep up with things but I'm only one person. I hate feeling like I have to live the way they do. I like order and clean house. I hate this tornado that explodes every few hours despite what either of us try and do.. How can two people make such a mess? It's getting on my nerves I'm just frustrated.

I really don't think my mom will call me today. I only hope she does, but considering I had to call on Christmas, I don't see it to be likely. And as much as I like to pretend and laugh it off. It really really does bother me... I didn't even get a Christmas card.. I guess I expect to much from people.

Some days. Especially lately, I feel like Chris is tired of me. Or wishes I would leave. Sometimes I feel like It's too much or he should have never made the offer. Sometimes I feel like I'm this shitty Girlfriend or that I want to much...
I just want to be the best thing in his life. I want to make everything better and be the girl of his dreams. I don't ever want him to question being with me. Or thinking he might have made a mistake. I want him to want me forever, and as odd as that sounds. I really do. Sometimes I wonder if we are just both so stressed about everything else that we take it out on eachother. We'll be together for four months soon. It doesn't seem like a long time, but time has gone by. And I only pray he wants me for many more.

I'm overly emotional. Like I asked if he was happy with me and he said a little and I don't even know if he was just playing around with me of was serious. And my heart just totally sank and made me so upset. Like I just wanted to cry and cry. And now I'm just sitting here thinking and wondering if he was being serious or messing with me. What is wrong with me!
D:

I hate this. I don't get it........
Maybe I just need sleep......