Birthday....

This melody dances, bringing her to her knees. Strength isn't with her today. No longer can she hold her head high. The sadness overwhelms her. This darkness is no comfort.


I'm feeling out of sorts. Today is my birthday. It has never been this cheerful thing. Each year it's something. Somehow. My will breaks and I'm just this mess. It probably doesn't help my hormones are all over the place or that my jaw is in intense pain because of these stupid wisdom teeth. So all in all I am this horrible stupid mess.

I'm still having nightmares. I'm not sure if I ever wrote this. Ever since I left FL I've been having them. I'm almost terrified that he'll find me, or come looking for me. Or somehow send me a message. And I prey he doesn't. A lot of them are about taking him to court and others are him finding me. They are getting worse and worse and more violent. It plagues me. I wish they would leave. I've tried to find a way to cope. I joke with Chris a lot like it brings comfort to just get memories out of my head. Like it's a medicine. But it apparently Bothers him. So Now I'm trying to just keep everything inside. He made it sound like I talked of him as if i was in love with him. Which hurt.. so much. I'm in pain emotionally because of this person. I have nightmares and I struggle to keep myself ok. There are times he will touch me in my sleep and I wake up scared to death till I hear his voice and know I'm okay.... I don't know.

I hate the inconsideration. People are so selfish, it's about them and no one else. Sometimes it just gets to me a lot. I just wish they weren't so selfish. I feel helpless, like I try and keep up with things but I'm only one person. I hate feeling like I have to live the way they do. I like order and clean house. I hate this tornado that explodes every few hours despite what either of us try and do.. How can two people make such a mess? It's getting on my nerves I'm just frustrated.

I really don't think my mom will call me today. I only hope she does, but considering I had to call on Christmas, I don't see it to be likely. And as much as I like to pretend and laugh it off. It really really does bother me... I didn't even get a Christmas card.. I guess I expect to much from people.

Some days. Especially lately, I feel like Chris is tired of me. Or wishes I would leave. Sometimes I feel like It's too much or he should have never made the offer. Sometimes I feel like I'm this shitty Girlfriend or that I want to much...
I just want to be the best thing in his life. I want to make everything better and be the girl of his dreams. I don't ever want him to question being with me. Or thinking he might have made a mistake. I want him to want me forever, and as odd as that sounds. I really do. Sometimes I wonder if we are just both so stressed about everything else that we take it out on eachother. We'll be together for four months soon. It doesn't seem like a long time, but time has gone by. And I only pray he wants me for many more.

I'm overly emotional. Like I asked if he was happy with me and he said a little and I don't even know if he was just playing around with me of was serious. And my heart just totally sank and made me so upset. Like I just wanted to cry and cry. And now I'm just sitting here thinking and wondering if he was being serious or messing with me. What is wrong with me!
D:

I hate this. I don't get it........
Maybe I just need sleep......