Music...Endless beats.

Admitting the words letting them escape my lips. Are the hardest things in the world for me. sitting here every day, everynight feeling so scared of these feelings. It has been so long since I felt those butterflies when someone said something sweet. So long since I could giggle and blush. Sitting here wishing, hoping, and praying I can have something amazing. I want to be the person you never had the girl of your dreams. The person you can tell anything even if it'll hurt me. I want to give you that chance to hold my hands and look in my eyes and just smile. I wish I had the strength. I wish I could take that step forward.

I wish I could smile with my heart bleeding knowing it's only for a few more moments. Knowing soon it'll be healed, be stitched. That it will be cared for. My heart beats so fast and I lose myself. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. And I can only hope it doesn't fade. I don't want this feeling to leave. I don't want to feel alone. I want to know someone will take me as I am. Granted, that's broken and battered. But I pray that's enough.

I'm not prefect, I never was. I never pretended to be. I have my faults. I have my doubts. I over analyze every word to every sentence till I am insane. I ask a million questions. I doubt myself. I'm scared of everything. I'm afriad to fail. I want so badly to make something worth while for my life. But more then anything I want to make a life with someone.

Loneliness is soficating. Feels like your drowning. Most know the feeling. Especially after you've given someone everything. Laying in bed alone no one at your side is a horrible feeling.

Moving forward though simple is still exhausting. Putting behind a past that is a nightmare is such a battle. There will never be a knight in shining armor so you are on your own. It's like pandora's box. I wish I had one of those. I could lock the memory away. Write a warning. see who is foolish enough to open the box and releash the nightmare? Hopefully by then I'll be far away in a distant place. Happy.

I have dreams. I have since I was a girl. Funny how fairy tales are so amazing to the young girl. Niave and innocent. She knows nothing. Her first love is amazing and so new. The first kiss is nothing like the movies. It's not magical just awkward. Then after that the first kiss with someone else is either horrible exciting or disappointing.

I think girls are foolish. We want romance that doesn't exsist in this world anymore. You know the rose petals, candle light, that mixed CD of all the romance songs you totally adore. The love in his eyes. The whispers in your ear. None of that exsists. Sadly. For guys it's just sex. I guess they never had that in them, the romance thing was a fantasy women made up in hopes to have higher standards. Sometimes I wish we lived in different times, maybe it would be different. Then again back in medievil times you had no choice you married who your parents decided and you learned to love eachother or respect eachother at least. Maybe that's why they always had mistresses or "stable" boys. heh.

I remember writing a list of things I wanted. That I wouldn't settle for less, boy where the hell did that list go! Now I couldn't even remember what was on it. I remember after Josh I wouldn't let anyone hurt me again. That's why I was single for so long. I wanted to be the one to hurt people for once, be the thing they could never have. I was the girl they always talked about. They one they said was so gorgeous but so cold. And I was fine with that.

I have touched peoples lives in ways I don't understand. I always thought I was this horrible kid. That I made so many mistakes, that I was the worst girlfriend ever. But somehow, they think of me, wonder about me. Whether it was a long period or a small one I am a memory which is branded on their brain. I have people from almost ten years ago saying thank you for loving me. Or telling me they are still in love with me, though flattered, I don't see why.

If there was a portal to step through to rework the past would I step through? I don't know. Every event in my life has made me the woman I am today. I'm so strong. So beautiful. A little lost. But I am an amazing person. So what would have happened if I made different decisions? What would have happened if I stayed in Boca? What would have happened if I never met L.J? Would I be this person I am?

If i hadn't taken the risks I did, though scared, would i have made it this far? And there are so many more risks I have to take. So many more things I need to do. I can only hope this search for a place to belong ends soon. I'm terrified to live alone, granted I wouldn't mind I suppose, but that just solidifies how lonely I am.

Sitting here music blaring in my ears the world around me fading. What a comfort. I haven't done this in so long. It makes me think so much more clearly. Makes me focus. And makes me want to write.

I miss so much. I used to live to write. I used to be so happy to paint. I loved having canvas and paints and getting it all over me and just painting away never knowing what I was going to but waiting till the end to see. It was amazing! Some of my best memories revolve around music. like getting in the car blasting the music and driving to nowhere just singing as loud as we can!
Sitting in the rain with friends. singing and dancing god we were soaked! Laughter and smiles. The world was so much easier then. And the biggest worry then was would he like me? Or how did I do on that test.

Who would have thought life would be filled with trials? Filled with pain and tears. Who would have thought you'd have to fight against the world in order to accomplish something. When I was 16 I would have never thought I wouldn't speak with my parents anymore. I would have never thought I could have been abused. I never that I would have been raped. I never thought this series of events would pile on my mind. I never thought I would hide it all. Or that I'd lose friends. When I was 16 I thought everything would be ok. I thought I'd graduate from school and be in college. I'd be with mom and Dad till school was ended. I'd have a career. I'd be married. I'd have kids. Whoa. I thought wrong.

Heart beating, hands sweating, breath quick, eyes watered. Emotions dancing. Swirling. Memories lasting. Reflecting. Eyes open, mouth wide. Smiles. I can only hope that when someone meets me their mind never changes, and they want me. God I hope they do.

I feel like a teenager again falling in love for the first time. So giggly. So hopeful. So scared. Hands sweating butterflies dancing so hard to and endless beat of the heart. Please want me to. please.

I can't say the words now.. maybe I will when I can see your eyes.