Emotionless...

A disaster of obviousness, an illusion of purity...

I used to write like clockwork... I used to write everything cause I was so afraid of never remembering anything... And as silly as that sounds, it's awfully true. I forget things from my past, people who once effected me.... unless I still speak with them, i don't remember them or what they look like.. nothing.


Over the resent parts of my life, I have failed, in ways I wish never happened.
In the almost frantic want to be independent I mad a mess of everything... I wanted to be self sufficient and in that frantic moment, I became dysfunctional....I can't think.. its hard to breath.. I've learned to shut of my emotions almost to the point of not being "there". I so frantically want to escape it... I do... I leave what most people call consciousness and fade into nothingness, an emotionless state... I avoid conflict, it disappears..

I found myself in a state of wanting to be loved but in the reality not knowing how to love, and so I turned into hatred, I hated life, and people.. and everything.. Now these are my faults, I know them, I also know that there is something unbalanced in me, and as much as I'd like to not admit it, I have to. I am mentally sick, in same way shape or form.. and I do not know what it is, and know soon I need to take care of it.

I do know that ontop of the me issues, there are reality issues within life that contribute to this "sickness" I suppose feeds off what is there to transform it into disaster.

With the news of being disowned by family, my head has spiraled into this loneliness.. I can't grasp anything.. I feel so alone, knowing no one is there for me.. and instinctively I want to search out people to fill the voids of loneliness but I can not. I know this would be destructive for my especially in this fragile moment.

So, What do I do?
Build. I have to reform life, make changes to things.. Know that.. I do not need them, I need me. Nothing more. I am what I need...I need to re-create my life.. Make myself functional once again.

So, should I list my faults and piece together the knowledge that these faults exist?
I wish I knew a way to make myself better. But I can not have someone be an enabler. I can not..

First built on self esteem.. Let's focus one moment at a time. I'm not sure how to work on this.
One step at a time...

One breath at a time....

Keep smiling...