Marriage.

It seems to frequent the mind more. Slowly the idea becomes a more Relevant picture. Like a huge desire in a girl that never thought she'd desire something so.. intimate.. A bond so strong.. amazing. Perfect.....

Up until recently, the idea of marriage literally freaked me out and the idea of it made me want to run an hide. In the past I had joked about it, or made some snide comments, anything to not show how uncomfortable with it I really was. And Ideally, one must wonder, why? Every girls dream is to be married and have a family. While granted I'm sure this is true in most cases. But the idea literally frightens the shit out of me.

Growing up the relationships I had been exposed to were far from healthy or normal. For example. My eldest sister was always in a relationship. One would end and the other would start not more then 3mins from the last. She was engaged in everyone of them, that's right from the time she was 15 on there was a ring on her finger. Not once can I remember there not being one longer then a month or so. So in my mind, It was well, I'm supposed to never be alone. So I always had someone. Now oddly enough in my relationships the idea of marriage was far from me. The first serious idea I had was with Joshua, we had gotten promise rings for our sixth month anniversary and I was content with this. Two years later he asked me to Marry him. I said no. As I stared at the ring, I shaked. I made the excuse that we were to far apart and I would except once we could be closer together. But reality is, I never had the intention of marrying him. I mean he asked my mother if it was okay and all, sweet yes but still. I was scared. So here sat this gorgeous ring, resized to fit and it was in a box, because I refused to wear it. The idea almost sickened me.... Now one is wondering well wth?

Well My parents relationship is rather fucked as well, you see. They have been married about 28 years no this coming November, except, well. They have technically been "married" Maybe 15 of those years. That's a long "other" time. For as long as I can remember they have screamed at each other, broken furniture, made threats of divorce, and finally got separated. For a year we lived away from my father, we would visit on the weekends and mom had a new "friend". So Now my ideals are seriously fucked. My Parents are together, yet mom has a Boyfriend.. I mean "friend" and we are supposed to be okay. So then the discussion of divorce comes up. Is it better for you guys? Well We made the decision that we'd rather them be apart then together if they were as miserable as they obviously where. So where does this go? mom Breaks up with her "friend". We move back in with dad and as her excuse is, he was about to lose the house. Dad Moves into the den to sleep, and stays there till my older sister finally moves out, then him and my brother share a room. Great, so now my friends sleep over and the question is.. Why the hell is your dad sleeping in a different room then your mom. You know what? I still don't fucking know! So now older, I realize well they make better friends then they do husband and wife.. and to turn more shit around, they start celebrating anniversaries, and going on cruises together, and he stills sleeps in my brothers room WTF!

So now we come to my grandmother.. oh boy! So my Papa is ill, now, he was a good man, granted a little rough around the edges, but he was a good man nonetheless. He showed he loved us and her in a very different way, but we knew. So as he's ill she brings up this conversation of Divorce, yep that word again. She wants to divorce him while he is basically on his death bed... Seriously? So I'm 15 staring at her like what am I supposed to say... thought love and marriage was a lifetime, through the good and bad, and now within a year apart both mom and G'ma bring up this word. So Does love and marriage last a life time? I'm starting to not know. So convinced we make her its a bad idea, and shes convinced hes a bad man. When he dies, not more then a month later she's on the net looking for a boyfriend. I'm annoyed. She goes on a few dates, but doesn't exactly start seeing this guy till I'm about 17 so a year later after his death. So at first I don't understand. Now two years forward, she wants to Marry this man. OMG! WTF! Now my world is flipped and I can't understand so I tell her do what makes her happy. They break up. 19 year old me comforts my grandmother. Awkward! She finds the "new" Guy. And now doesn't want to be married. Krissy gets married. Surprise.

Now, to be fair, recently I had the privilege to see my Grandparents on dads side have their 50th anniversary. And all I can think about is oh my god. I want to be them. But ultimately, my sense of relationships is a little fucked up.

Sooo after all this. I was with we will call him douchenugget. :D I was with him almost three years and the thought crossed my mind and left rather quickly, infact the desire was not there. And when he had asked I wanted to puke. So instead of flattery or whatever I was mad. Seriously mad. I told him to stop being a child and throwing things around..... gah!

Now my friends have been married, some are getting divorced. And I just don't know if marriage has a hope in this lifetime anymore. And that scares me, when I say I do, it's the first and only time I want to say it. I don't want to get a divorce.

Now don't get me wrong, despite my distaste for marriage and the ideals of it. I have my dream wedding. Yea, that's right. I do.

I have had dreams of it, pictured it so vividly in my mind. Now I know it will never happen. The way I picture it, but I have it...

I want a fall wedding, maybe October-November. I want it to be outside, around dusk. Like the sun setting, lights dancing through the colored leaves on the trees illuminating figures.. I want a gazebo, with lights dancing around it. Us at the foot of it. As the lights fade from the world, it will be lit with Japanese style paper lanterns. Maybe near a lake. Possibly some Lanterns drifting along. The stars above use watching, dancing. I want to share our own vows. I want to stare into their eyes and let them see me speak those words before everyone, to know how true, how in love I am. And I wish and pray for the same in return. I want a long flowing dress, it would be long sleeve, lace, but off the shoulders. My hair would be down, flowers in it. Perfect. The reception would be laughter, maybe even a warm fire. Stories being told. Laughter.
I want my entire family there. I was his Family there. I want our friends there. I want my brides maids/ maid of honor to be my best friends. I want a million photos. I want the best memories of my life. I want to remember every moment and detail. I want it to be perfect.

But I know as much as anyone else, the world is not a fairy tale, and reality is, this would probably never happen, and I'll have to settle for a church or backyard. Half my family couldn't be bothered and so many things I'm sure would go wrong. But a girl can dream.

Now with my fear, I do desire it more then anything. And in recent times Chris and I have talked and at first I was terrified of the idea, and I wanted to kind of escape it. But as I think about it more and more, There's nothing in the world I want more right now. Not saying to jump the gun and get married within the next year, but honestly, I think being with him, could prove to the world that marriage still has the meaning it was meant to have, it's not just a piece of paper, but a lifelong meaning of honesty, trust, devotion and love. So my trivial fears fade away slowly, and I smile as I think. I find myself glancing at rings and this and that's. The smile only getting bigger. Maybe it just takes the right person, to chase the fear out.. Who knows?

<3