I have been filled with a lot of sadness lately. I'm emotionally drained to the point of I just want to give up.. I'm in a lot of pain so I'm just going to take some of the inserts from a note I wrote to David.
Birthday.
Chris forgot my bday until I said something. No gifts. Just once I would like him to surprise me with something. I'm a simple person. I don't ask for much but it makes me feel like I'm not thought of. No phone calls just a million facebook messages which don't matter because fb tells you hey it's Samantha's birthday. No one even wanted to go to lunch or dinner with me to celebrate....and its never happened. I feel like I'm doomed to have a bad bday cause I have for yrs since I was 16. I had to pick out my own cake. I got movies to watch with Chris and he played wow with his friend instead. I know its silly but I feel so hurt. And he wont come to bed with me.....I feel horribly unattractive. I'm sitting in my room crying typing on my phone and I dunno what to do and im so sorry im writing such a sad message. I just want to be thought about I want to feel loved I want to exist as more than a housemate. I know he loves me but sometimes it feels like I don't exist.
Last Night.
I'm still really hurt and I had a long conversation with my friend from back home. It's very weird to talk to him sometimes cause as he listens to me cry you can almost tell its like heart wrenching for him to hear me. I was once in love with him. It took me awhile to realize it. It was when I was with my "ex" and he knew what was going on but not to the severe extent that it did. He is a very good friend of mine and I miss him a lot. And today was another very bad day. I feel very unimportant and much like a burden. It was a fight to get Chris to take me to work this morning. I also asked once I came home if you could take me to get my hair cut since it's a little messy at the moment and I have been feeling HORRIBLE about myself lately. WoW was more important and he ignored me for the hour and a half till ten mins before the lady's shop closed and was like lets go... I work in retail I'm not going anywhere Right before they close...
We got into a fight and he ignored me and went to bed... It's time like these I just want to escape and I feel like I can not do that. Before I would just leave and go to a friends or something and right now there's not many options for me, so it involved me crying on the phone in my stairwell to my Friend over a 1,000 miles away. Wishing I was back home in FL away from everything. I'm still really upset, I feel like it wont last long and when that time comes, I know I have no where to go and it scares me to know I'm so reliant on someone. I hate it as well.
Just a lot going on with me lately and I'm not sure how to deal with it.....
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